Illusions of Reality

2009-11-26T15:09:00.002+08:00

Apparently Yan left his laptop with two 'trustworthy' new friends so here we are! Hahaha, ade blog senyap-senyap eh?! Amek kau!

Songs and reasoning

2009-08-30T02:00:00.003+08:00

I've been writing songs for a while. A few came to me as easy as taking a piss while others were like trying to force a big piece of crap out your ass. But all in all, after everything, when I listened to it, i feel relieved and proud and satisfied. It doesn't matter when others say it sucks or that it sounds too common. I like it. I write songs for my own pleasure. It doesn't matter if it's not at the same level as professional musician. All i can say that most people my age wouldn't have written as much songs as I have and that is something of which I am proud of.

I love writing songs. They have become an outlet of my emotions and mostly you would see those emotions as being heartbroken or in love which is kinda true since most of my songs I've been basing it on my past relationship which went sour. It's just a way for me to try and move on from that relationship and finding a new lease on life which I feel only music can help me through. Sometimes I do realize that people are talking bad about me, saying that I'm in over my head, that I'm delusional. I understand that. I question myself sometimes too as to why I do what i do, is it to gain popularity, to be noticed by people around me? As for now, I haven't yet been able to answer those questions. Maybe I'm just too young, maybe I'm just not cut out to be a musician and should just stick to studying like everyone else. Study hard, get good grades, have a stable job and you'll be set for life. I wish i could believe that though. I just don't know anything anymore. Things get complicated as you grow up and the more you learn. Maybe I should have been born autistic. At least I'm living in my own world even if it's delusional. At least I wouldn't have to deal with the harsh vindication of society even the ones I considered to be my friends.

Ramblings

2009-08-29T01:52:00.002+08:00

It's been literally ages since I even wrote anything in here but yeah, I'm gonna see if I can revive this baby back from the dead. =D

I've been told once that I would end up all alone because I play around too much, that I still have my head in the clouds. Well, I just wanna say that I chose to have my head in those clouds. I rather be dreaming away than to be stuck in a world where people would stab you in the back. Time and time again, I told myself that maybe this time around things would be different. It's never different. Different people, different place, history all over again.

I don't care if I'm a late bloomer or if I do well in tests. All that doesn't matter. Why should an individual be judged on what he cannot do or achieve? Shouldn't he be praised on what he CAN do no matter how little it may seem to be. The littlest things would always have a great impact over time.

I'm getting pretty sick of all these schemes, discriminations and abuse of power. Something's gotta be done soon even if it means I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands. The future doesn't look so rosy now does it?

Random excerpts of writing from my mind

2009-02-08T22:02:00.003+08:00

Two souls, impossible they said
Destined to live on crossroads
Allowed not for them to intertwine
Forever casting furtive glances

Shadows cast over them
Shrouding them, enveloping them
One cries out, screaming even
A sick, stabbing pain felt by the other

Struggling to take control
Grasping madly at the air
Erratic breaths, irregular pulse
Eyes closed, the pain subsides

No use for words this time
Things will never change
As ardent as they hope to be
A future for them lives in the imaginary

*****************************************

"It's not my fault," she said
"I didn't mean for all of this to happen"
"Sure, you didn't mean it," I said
"But the hurt still remained the same"

The line went dead, as did my heart. I told myself, "Perhaps it would've been best that it turned out the way it did.". As bad as I wanted to console myself, to relieve the ache in my heart, I know that things would never be the same. My feelings, my thoughts were irrevocably changed. No longer thinking the thoughts I had, doing the stuff that I did and no longer feeling the way I felt. A part of me just died.

I felt my heart beating impatiently, anticipating for something to happen. I wondered to myself, "What was there to hope for? Everything that I had built up for three years, are now reduced to ashes. Scattered fragments lying motionless on the ground. Stepped on, ridiculed.".

I placed the receiver back onto its cradle. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, to wash off my worries. Hopefully find a fresh new perspective as I stare myself in the bathroom mirror. Felt nothing. My heart had gone as cold as the bathroom sink, unable to feel. I noticed a day's worth of stubble lay unshaven. I grabbed the shaver and started shaving. A wrongly placed stroke of the shaver ended up with me having a gash on my chin. I didn't feel any pain. I felt ecstatic, euphoric even.

Laughing to myself, I grasped the shaver ever more tightly in my hand as I placed the edge on my wrist. Perhaps if I produce a deep enough cut there, I could go into a deeper state of euphoria. I looked at myself in the mirror once again and I smiled.

The end is just the beginning, or so they say.

*************************************************

As I cupped her chin within my hand, she stared longingly into my eyes; diving deep into the realms of my soul. I could feel the heat emanating from the gaze she cast upon me, the proximity of our bodies slowly escalating the temperature around us. My ears, attuned to the surroundings, could very well hear the rapid beating of her heart which accompanied those of mine.

As our lips met for the first time, I felt an amazing rush of adrenaline surging through my body, exploding the senses. For the next few minutes, everything felt electrified. Every fiber of my being were on ends as I opened up the core of my heart and soul, lavishing everything in its entirety upon the person in front of me.

Not stopping once to get a breath, I eased her downwards slowly, savoring every moment possible. Once she was fully laid down, I pushed myself up, breaking contact from her lips for the first time in what seemed like forever. I looked down and smiled ever so mischievously at her,

"Will this be your first time doing this kind of thing?"
"Ahh, umm, yes..?"
"Don't worry sweets, I'm gonna take real good care of you. You'll enjoy it, trust me on that one."

Sick and tired

2009-01-27T05:11:00.003+08:00

Life is a bore now. I'm so sick of being soo easily scheduled.

Just something most Singaporeans should consider

2008-09-23T00:20:00.005+08:00

I am utterly disgusted by the lack of command in English that Singaporeans have. Imagine having a conversation with someone when out of nowhere, they start spouting stuff like "liao", "de", "lo" and some other stupid "modifications". I honestly am very much dumbfounded whenever these people uses such terms because I would be racking my brain trying to find associations with those terms that they have used and ultimately giving up because the words that that they use does not make sense to me at all and that I shouldn't really bother trying to figure it out. Waste of brain cells.

Honestly speaking, why can't we just stick to good old-fashioned English? It makes things terribly easier to understand and thus prevent the possibility of misinterpretation. Sighs. I don't see why Singaporeans find the need to add all those unnecessary "vocab" into normal conversations. I think that's probably why most people are getting poorer and poorer in their command of English.

I'm not saying that I have a complete grasp of the language, what I'm trying to put across here is that Singaporeans must be able to learn the proper use of the language instead of infusing it with their own for the sake of their own convenience but not realizing that at the same time, they are throwing off decent people who are too used to speaking in proper English, to readjust themselves to the so-called "Singlish" in order to make themselves heard and understood.

Just to be clear on this, I'm not saying I look down on people who uses "Singlish" as an everyday means of communication but what I am saying is that we should all work together and speak good and proper English for the benefit of us all and also for the greater good. I mean, what's the point of having a universal language if in the end you are going to infuse it with your own and cause confusion among those who do not do the same? It's pointless isn't it?

Till next time

2008-09-19T19:54:00.001+08:00

I have been slipping in and out of consciousness these past few weeks. Each time, waking up at a different location and time than the last I remembered. Some of the times, I find a completed piece of poetry or song lyrics by my side. On other occasions, I find small traces of blood around me like on my shirt or on the floor.

I think the other side of me is trying to take over. To completely dominate me after being suppressed for months by me. I can't help feeling that anytime now, I will just disappear from this world. Oh, my body will still be here but the person in that body, it won't be me anymore.

So this is my last entry to this blog. If it so happens that the next update looks way different than my previous entry, you should know what happened. Hopefully, that doesn't happen anytime soon. Goodbye and thanks for reading/supporting my blog all this time.

Till next time,
Abdul Daiyan B Abdul Rahim

Just something you should think about.

2008-09-14T06:00:00.004+08:00

I'm sick of being lied to. I am so sick of feeling betrayed. I trusted you and you fucking stabbed me in the bank. I thought you were different from the others, that I could trust you to not do the mistakes but you went ahead and did it anyway. You ask me to move on, to forget about you.

DO you know how long it takes me to move on? It took me three bloody long years to forget my last one and I'm not sure how long it will take to forget this one. Do you like inflicting pain so much onto other people, do you relish doing that? I don't, and even more so if I am on the receiving end of it.

I know I did lots of pretty bad things over the years but I'm trying to change. I hope you see that part of me. I guess you're just blind cause I am willing to change for you. You make me want to be a better person. To not be like before. But by doing this to me, you are making me find all the more reason to be who I was. I'm telling you, it's not who I want to be. I dislike being that person. The 'me' before shouldn't exist but you are giving him the reason to. Please don't. If I become 'him' again, I don't know what more harm I can do.

The change I had in mind was supposed to be better for me, for both of us. Now it's reversed. It's going to do harm to me and the people I come into contact with. You caused this and you should feel guilty.

EDIT:

People always think I'm a pushover because of how I look or how I behave. I'm not going to let that happen. I will have them know that I am not someone to whom you can easily mess around with just because I don't fight back. If push comes to shove, I will fight back. That is a promise I have made to myself.

So to all those who likes manipulating people for their own advantage or satisfaction, FUCK YOU. This is gonna be one person you don't wanna mess around with.

Sorry...

2008-09-09T22:54:00.004+08:00

I never imagined that it could become like this, but it did. At first, I just wanted us to be friends, but I made a mistake. That was the best mistake I ever made in my life because that mistake made me fall for you. I will never regret that mistake because that mistake made me very happy. Happy because I fell for you and happy because the feelings were mutual and that I wasn't in some self delusion. I guess it was pretty much stupid of me to have posted up the previous post because what happened in the past, shouldn't have to reappear in the present.

I was wrong to have said I still love her a lot because I know that that statement is not true at all. It was more of a spur of the moment thing. You know how this things happen right?

So I just wanna apologize and hope you feel better after reading this post because I just can't stand when you're giving me the shoulder. It makes me feel soo guilty. I know I should be feeling guilty because what I did was very very stupid.

I swear I won;t do it again because all that matters to me now is you. No one else even comes close. I swear this upon my heart and soul.

I'm a procrastinator.

2008-09-02T19:55:00.002+08:00

Fasting month is upon us once again. I'm hoping I can fast for a full month without any distractions hopefully. Here's to a new beginning.

Anyway, I've been having rather weird and unsettling dreams again plus my head has started to hurt again. I think I'm going to have another one of those moments again. Not gonna divulge exactly what it is because it's pretty private.

School is starting tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. It seems as if there are a lot of things that needs to be done, especially my PP. I have yet to complete it and the fact that I have to send it in by 9 Sept doesn't make it sound any better. I've got 5 modules again this semester which I feel is good since that would leave me with only 4 and 3 days per week for the last two semesters respectively. It feels good to be left with only 3 semesters left to my graduation.

Anchor project is gonna be upon us again and I'm not sure if I want to act again. Lately, I feel jaded if I was asked whether I want to act or not. I'm sure it's just a phase though because I know pretty much if I were to be asked, I'd say "Sure, why not?".

I have pretty much spent the holidays sleeping, watching cartoons, playing games and watching movies. In short, I wasted my time. Should have been more productive. Sighs.

Death should be your friend.

2008-08-31T21:31:00.003+08:00

I've always wondered how it would be like to just get myself injured so bad that I'm struggling just to keep my heart to pump oxygen through my body. To be going in and out consciousness. To feel the warmth escaping from my body till it becomes just an empty shell, devoid of life, of a soul.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels like to die. As in the experience of dying itself. To know that you're leaving this god forsaken world and to another place, a better place perhaps. Too bad that we can only die once and not twice. If we could die twice, I'm sure the second time around would be much more sweeter and smoother in its transition.

People have always regarded death as a bad thing. That's because they are still clinging on to their materiality, refusing to let go. In fact, death is a good thing. Death is what everybody on earth is aiming for, heading towards. So why resist it? Why do we try so hard to come up with medicine, better health care and insurance policies? We should just let nature run its course and embrace death. Be happy that you are chosen in that moment in time to undergo an experience that is unique to you and you only.

I'm not being emo or anything of the sort, I just think that death should be something to be celebrated, and not mourned. That's all. Cheerios!

To Jamie,

2008-08-26T15:33:00.002+08:00

Every night as I lay on my bed, I look at the stars. The same set of stars that you would look at as you go to sleep. I know that though we may be far, we are connected somehow. Connected in a way that most people have yet to experience. It's not wishful thinking on my part because I know that you feel the same way I do, the same kind of emotions that run through your body every time an IM is sent to you from me. Gosh, how I miss you so. I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to run my fingers through your hair as we bask in the warm glow of the setting sun. To feel you near me, never letting go. To spend my time with you, whispering, serenading you with songs that I wrote about you. If only time can pass faster so we can clasp our hands together and face the new dawn, with your head on my chest and my arms around you, holding you so you'll feel safe and never alone.

Here's a poem I wrote while I was thinking about you. It's a bit kiddish, but the words are all true.

As the clouds rolled on by in the sky
The sun is shining brightly way up high
The sky seem to be always blue
Whenever my heart thinks about you

You felt the chemistry ever since we first met
Meeting you, is why I have my heart set
All that I said, I meant it in every way
Because I still miss you till this very day

Hope you liked the poem. I put a lot of thought into it.

<333333

Dreams

2008-08-20T21:03:00.002+08:00

I had a very weird dream this last night. It was a dream in which I would never want to have again. It was a dream so real, I felt like I was more alive in that dream than I am in my present reality. It's funny how that sounds. How can you be more alive in your dream than you are in reality? Ahaha. It's pretty much ironic don't you think?

Sometimes I feel if I believed hard enough, I could fly. I know it seems pretty lame of me to have these kinds of dreams, but I always wondered how it would feel like. To fly in the air with your arms spread wide open. Feeling the wind beneath you picking up and slowly caressing you in its embrace. Not having a care in the world. Ah, how I wish I had the gift of flight. It would be most wonderful.

Sad and really DISAPPOINTED

2008-08-19T10:13:00.003+08:00

Shit, I feel so left out. I feel as if I've been cast aside to rot on my own. No one cares or no one even bothers to take notice of me. Oh well. It has always been like this. Events have been happening all around me and yet no one has bothered to ask me about it, to ask if I wanna go with them. Shit. I guess this is just how much I mean to them. How much of a friend I am to them. Wow. It is such a great feeling to have friends. To have people around that supports you. Pfft. As if.

Right now, I'm just disappointed. Thanks guys, thanks for making me feel special. I really needed that.

Acceptance...?

2008-08-18T19:08:00.003+08:00

I keep thinking that it just couldn't happen to me, that I was safe from such things. I guess I was wrong. I was wrong to think of it that way and now, pay back's a bitch.

We humans are social creatures. We seek comfort, shelter and acceptance from others such as ourselves. We try to get to know one another better, slowly digging up facts about each other, exchanging life experiences. We feel as though over the years we would come to fully understand each other, to know exactly how the other would act, react in a situation. But can we really do that? Can we as humans ever achieve to fully understand another human? We who pride ourselves in our high advancements in technology and science, will we ever understand each other? Every year without fail, companies and research institutes would come up with new gadgets to make the world smaller, to ensure that everyone stays connected to each other no matter where they are.

HA HA HA HA. How stupid can we be?

We humans would never ever be able to understand each other even with the myriad of devices we have at our fingertips. Why can't we just learn that we humans are nothing but sorry excuses of animals in this world? We try so hard to change everything in this world, to make everything customizable, to have choices. We try so hard to know the other party better but in turn, we do not do the same. We hide our true selves for fear of alienation and abandonment. In turn, we lie. We lie about who we are. We put up facades so no one would be able to reach into our souls and fully understand our lives. If that were the case, then why bother trying? Why do we bother even trying to get to know the other party when we know deep in our subconscious that all that we are receiving are lies, nothing more than just hearsay?

In this world, we can never ever fully know somebody. In fact, we don't even know ourselves that well. I'm sure there has been many situations in which you would tell yourself, "I didn't know I can do that.". So what makes us think we can hope to know other people when we do not fully understand ourselves? Is it our selfish foolish pride, of wanting to have a reason for everything? To ensure that we do not live a life full of uncertainties?

That is the reason why we humans fail to evolve, to understand of what is truly important. I myself don't understand me that well. So what makes you think I can understand you?

Impossible to let go

2008-08-17T21:21:00.003+08:00

Impossible to let go
by Yan V.

Every time I look into your eyes
I feel so happy inside
Every time you smile that smile of yours
You know I'm right

Love is not what it seemed to be
It's something else entirely
You know that I can't live without you
Here by my side

I know that it's impossible to let go of you
I know that it's impossible to let go of this love
I never knew that you could make me feel this way
It's something new that I've learned today

Part of the lyrics to one of the new songs that I have come up with. Do give comments. As for the song itself, I am in the midst of arranging musicians who will help me to bring the song to life, if I can't find any, I guess I'll just have to do it digitally myself. Sighs.

I am hoping to finish up with my bike license as soon as possible so I can get a bike of my own. I can't wait to ride to school. It so beats having to wait for the bus and getting stuck in those morning jams on the highway.

Questions and Answers.

2008-08-03T17:19:00.002+08:00

Is it me or is it the world that's getting colder and colder?
Is it me or is it the world that is breaking down?

Questions usually begets answers. But are answers what we truly need now? Or is it time for us to accept that not everything has answers? People say that you should treasure your life because you never know when you will die. But by treasuring, do they mean trying to have a safe and secure life? Are we truly living when we're all safe and tucked away into our comfortable zone? Or are we trying to escape the harsh cruelty of our world, where we would not even think twice to doing something which goes against our social norms? I do not know yet the answer to that question. I am still a young confused teenager who knows nothing of and about life.

There are often points in our life where we begin to question ourselves. Who exactly are we, why are here and for what purpose should we still continue living? I have yet to find the purpose in my life. I feel like my life has been in a constant, perpetual deja vu where everything happens over and over again. Not knowing when exactly this cycle will stop.

I guess the answer to all those question lie deep within the subconscious of our minds, where we normal humans are not able to comprehend for we have been too preoccupied with the materiality of this world. Where things matter more than people. Where value is placed on money instead of human lives. I guess we can never know the answer then can we? It's like we have finally gotten used to the comfort of our life, adapted to the routine of waking up and going about usual stuffs. It feels as if we've given up on something. Something important that all of us should feel guilty about.

Broke... =D

2008-08-02T21:05:00.003+08:00

I'm broke. Need to get a job real soon. Everything it seems require money lately. I'm so sick of it. Why can't things be much easier like before when it's all cheaper? Sucks to be part of the middle generation.

I'm stuck in between four destinations for this December's vacation. Should I follow my family and go to either Switzerland or Hawaii or go with my friend to Amsterdam or meet her in Georgia. Choices, decisions. I hate making those.

Thoughts, actions, regrets. (Not really though)

2008-08-01T00:16:00.002+08:00

I realized that there were no constants in my life. Only variables. Loves were ever changing and hope, was always too far away for me to reach. Whenever I come close, it just seems to run away further and further.

Rehearsals would have been so much better if only they could have done more research and thinking into their characters. When they portray out their characters, there's just no depth in it, they just seem to be so flat, so two-dimensional. Pl@ytime! is only in about a week's time and we're still having trouble with the play. Characterization still is a problem among the group. Sighs.

I was just at the STOMP website and it just irks me how Singaporeans use that website to complain about the most ridiculous of things. Sheesh.

IGNITE!

2008-07-28T19:54:00.003+08:00

Alright, I shouldn't be a lazy bastard and start updating my poor blog which I have ignored for more than a week.

Went to ignite on Saturday. Awesome. that's the word that best describes the event. Organizing committee has done a very good job. Local bands like caracal and electrico and march twelve were present to ensure a rocking good time for RP students as well as those from the public. At the end, me and wesley managed to get pictures with Amanda Ling from Electrico. Here's a picture that I took with her.

And I guess I have to thank Wesley Meow Guang Xiong for pulling strings that night and allowing me to be able to sneak into the Artists Holding Room so that we could have an unofficial meet and greet session with the local bands that performed that night.

Ok that's it for today. You kids carry on with your lives now ok? ciao!

Random stuff. Read if you want.

2008-07-20T02:59:00.002+08:00

Lucid dream. A state of consciousness where your body sleeps but your mind doesn'. It is in this state where you able to truly explore and try to unlock the various secrets which is hidden and locked in the dark recesses of your mind. It is very difficult to enter this state but after years of practice and meditation, one would be able to enter it willingly.

I myself have been experimenting with this notion and I am proud to say that I can enter into this state willingly. There are many secrets which I have found out and certain abilities have manifested itself in effect. I can't tell you what it is exactly for it will breach the promise.

There are 7 power cores throughout your whole body which you can focus your energy on, which in turn would release several effects. If you manage to find out which core is most suitable to your energy, you would find that these energy would lead to something more. That something is of course up to you, up to what you want to see...

People throughout the ages have always fondled with the thought of magic, whether it existed or it is simply a thought with which we like to entertain ourselves with.

History: Myths and Legends

2008-07-18T11:07:00.003+08:00

Norse mythology have always intrigued me. Yesterday was awesome since I have managed to obtain the Elder and Younger Edda. The poems which retell the myths and legends of the Norsemen really captured my attention as the words seem to just flow and it created images of such clarity that I could totally imagine how it looks like.

I realized that I have become more and more intrigued in regards to history and also the myths and legends of different regions all over the world. This desire for knowledge has been a first since the previous decade of my life have been too concentrated on knowledge which I absolutely have no interest in.

History rocks.

Friends....?

2008-07-15T23:22:00.003+08:00

Friends. I can say that I have a lot of friends. But of all of my friends, who can I say is a true friend?

A true friend to me is someone who cheers me up when I'm down. A true friend is someone who will tell me if something that I have done is stupid and I should stop repeating it. A true friend is someone I can rely on, someone to whom I can confide my secrets with.

Throughout these years that I have been alive, a lot of people who claim to be my friends are gone from my life. Not bothering to contact me anymore, or updating me in regards to certain news. Soon I realized, that the only friends I can rely on or even trust, could be counted off on my fingers. Through the hundreds of people that I have met and befriended, only a few of these people I truly consider as being a friend. It's really sad. Sad in the sense that people keep taking each other for granted.

Nowadays, I find it really difficult to even trust someone. You never know just when they might turn their back on you. I guess the only way to know if you are a true friend is when you have gone through thick and thin together.

Sometimes I just feel as though these people who claim to be friends, puts on a facade just so that other people might not view them as being arrogant and all. They start being nice and all in front of you and next thing you know, they're bitching about you behind your back. Fuck that.

What they do not realize is that, they have just got to let go. Screw everything they know about friendship and just begin from scratch. Learn and explore new ways of bringing truth the word "friendship".

Memories

2008-07-13T06:32:00.002+08:00

Memories. Something that all of us have. Something which we continue to make, in every second of our lives. It can be everything, from good to bad or from the exciting to the ridiculously mundane. Memories are like the journal of our mind. It takes down everything and anything that happened. Sometimes the details are kinda sketchy and sometimes it has amazing clarity.

Memories are the ones that helps us to form judgment. Helps us to form stereotypes. Helps us to shape our character. Memories help us to remind ourselves just exactly who we are.

CosFest VII 2008

2008-06-30T12:17:00.007+08:00

It has been a very long time since I went out to with my friends. Felt really nice going out today for a change. I have really been too cooped up at home reading books and of course writing my own.

Anyway, today it was just me, Isk and Amanda. Met up with Isk first at downtown east because there was this cosfest thingy going on and since I have never been to one, thought it would be awesome to try it out. Turns out, I had a really fun time. In case some of you are wondering, cosfest is a convention where people of all ages can choose to come down dressed in their favourite anime/game character's clothes and just have fun talking about their favourite anime/game. It was really fun seeing all these people dressed up in their costumes. Yvonne came by later on when we were relaxing at mcdonald's. I was feeling a bit high and was singing nonsensical stuff in tune(?) with some event which could apparently be something related to a KTV Singing Night. Hahaha. AND, I did it in a japanese accent. Weird SHIT. I KNOW. Ahaha.

Oh yeah, I managed to take a picture with this really cute girl who was dressed in this really cute sailor/school uniform thingy. Super cute. Here's a picture to prove my point.

Cute right? Haha. Told you so!

Oh yeah, at the convention, me and Isk saw some really cool stuffs so we kinda 'bought' a lot of it and we were happily splitting up our spoils later on when the convention ended.

In case some of you were wondering why I haven't been updating much, truth is, I have been very busy rehearsing for my next performance which falls in august so you guys better come down and watch it alright?

OH SHIT! That reminds me, I gotta go memorise my lines.

Till next time then, cheerios!

Some ramblings

2008-06-27T19:49:00.005+08:00

(Trembling hands reached out for the parchment as he tried to slide himself into a comfortable position before he starts writing his last entry. A quick glance over his shoulder accelerated his heartbeat as he realized he had not much time left to complete the words. The spell. He prayed for forgiveness and silently thanked all his friends and families as the darkness which had claimed the room slowly came over and enveloped his being. A horrible laughter could be heard echoing through the hallways as it slowly reverberated into the crisp, night air.)

The passage that you just read is the prologue to a story I'm writing. I guess I'm taking a break from writing lyrics and poems to write stories, which I haven't done in a few years.

Solo platform series is done and over with. I would like to thank those who bothered to come down and watch us. For those who didn't, I'm sure you guys had valid reasons. The experience from the series really taught me a lot about drama. I'm glad I did the whole thing.

Damn, I love acting. The rush of memorizing my lines, getting into character and trying to be that character all the time is so exhilarating. Woots!

Before I end this super short post, I must confess. Keeping long hair is so troublesome. Haha.

Songs far away...

2008-06-26T09:32:00.003+08:00

Today is the day of performance. I'm nervous I admit but at the same time, I feel a strange sense of calmness. A calmness not usually felt before a performance. I guess I'm getting used to performing on stage. Excited as well. Damn. It's been such a long time since I performed.

I have been busy memorizing my scripts that I couldn't write some more songs. Damn. Come on MUSE!! Gimme inspirations! Arghh!!

Books are occupying my thoughts. I realized something about the books by Nicholas Sparks. There is always an element of tragedy between the two main characters. The girl is either married or engaged and the guy goes through some terrible hardships and throughout these hardships he will always be thinking of her. In the end, the guy would make an unbelievable sacrifice just so the girl would be happy in life. Damn.

The Love for Books and Performing

2008-06-23T21:27:00.004+08:00

I realized that these past few days, I have been keeping more to myself than usual. Seriously. Haven't been going online on MSN or even having a day out with my best buds. I also realized that I have been cooped up at home more and reading books, either the ones I have at home or the ones loaned from the library. I guess these books have been an escape for me, from the reality that I'm living in. I cared less about what's happening around me and more to going home as early as possible so I can prop myself up on the living room couch, with the fan blowing at my face whilst listening to music and at the same time enjoying a good book. Books, I realized, are the perfect tools in which we can immerse ourselves into the lives of the characters. Feeling emotions that they did, reacting exactly how they did in situations which we ourselves have had faced and at the same time finding out sides of ourselves which we didn't know exist.

I guess that could be the reason why I like books so much. They provide me with such enjoyment that I always felt satisfied and fulfilled after finishing each one. I felt like I have really learned a lot from the characters in the story and somehow wishing I could be just a fragment of the person that they were. After every good book, I would reflect back on my life and what I have done and at times fantasize how it would be like if I was the main character in that book and it was my story that other people were reading about.

Anyway, I guess that's enough about books. I wouldn't want to bore you guys so much that you would refrain from coming to my blog again.

Life for me these past few days have been pretty much peaceful and content in contrast to how I felt maybe a few weeks ago. My life has sort of fell back into perspective and I am no longer torn in between. I have yet to fully memorize my lines for my upcoming performance this Thursday and for those who know about it, do come down and watch me and some of my friends perform at the BlackBox in the TRCC. If I'm not wrong, the performance is during lunchtime so do come down. Thanks.

True Love....

2008-06-18T19:24:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. I can't believe that I just cried in public after reading a book by Nicholas Sparks. The story touched me so deeply that until now, tears would escape my eyes time to time when I thought about the whole story. The love that I felt from the two characters in the story were so strong that I began to wonder to myself, would I ever be able to experience the same kind of love that the both of them shared? In case you were wondering, the book is titled 'The Notebook'.

Before reading this book, I had sort of firmly believed the notion that true love is just something all of us dreamed about and always hoping that someday it will happen to us. I guess I didn't believe in love. I'm not wrong to think that way and some of you might know why. At one time, I even lost all hope in love, knowing that the feelings felt during that time will only end in pain and suffering. But now, after reading the book, I have begun to see that true love CAN happen. That it will happen without me knowing it and the feeling would be so natural, much more so than the feeling of my own heartbeat thumping against my chest.

Although I know that it is just a story, somehow I felt that the book spoke of more than just a story. It taught me to treasure people whom I have come to love. Be it as friends, family members or that person whom I deeply cared for. The book taught me that love can withstand the test of time and that although people have changed, the love between them shall forever remain pure and innocent. Reading the books by Nicholas Sparks have certainly made me change my perspective on LOVE and I am forever grateful for that.

So for those of you who have yet to read it, I strongly encourage to go to the library and loan it out to read. Another book I might recommend to you is of the same author titled 'A walk to remember'.

How I wished I could ever experience the love that the characters of the book shared with each other. If I could ever experience, my life would be devoid of all other needs and wants except to stay by her side and loving her forever till we both part ways in death. Even in my last moments, I would like to die asleep in her embrace, whoever she might be. Sighs.

Putting things back in perspectives

2008-06-12T19:38:00.002+08:00

I know I didn't post up anything for the past week or so reason being was that I had a lot of thinking to be done. A lot of things are still unclear to me and only time will tell of the outcome.

I've been able to come up with one new song during the duration of this term break and the song is kinda awesome I feel, to me that is. I won't post up the lyrics to the song cause I'm just gonna keep this song close to my heart since the contents of the song means a lot to me.

The visions and the pain are coming back again and this time I feel it's stronger than before. I can no longer block it out like how I used to. There are times when I just blanked out and when I regain consciousness, I find myself in a confusing predicament. Sometimes, I find myself having written a wonderful poem but unable to recall just how exactly I did it. I'm getting a little bit scared by this.

I wish I can learn magic or even better, release the full potential of the human brain. In doing so, I guess that's when I feel my life will be fulfilled and not feel so empty sometimes.

Dark Revelations

2008-06-03T16:21:00.002+08:00

Life is never how you expected it to be. After a few days, the news finally sinked in. The betrayal of someone whom I thought would never do such things, has finally registered in my brain. My body shivers slightly recalling your callous and cruel behaviour towards me, as I sat down watching the scene unfold before my eyes. There was nothing I could do as you went away laughing and leaving me there shocked, surprised, hurt and lastly betrayed. The feelings of constant stabs to both my heart and my ego shook my entire being and as I sat there wondering, just what did I do and where have I gone wrong? Was I wrong to like you? Was I wrong to try again? Was I? Well apparently none of it matters to you now does it? What you have done has made me regret showing you the message. Maybe I shouldn't have shown you because I feel like such an idiot now. An idiot who fell for your lies big time. Feelings of utter disgust welled up inside whenever I see your picture and if only that picture wasn't digital, I would have smashed the whole photo frame up against the wall and wishing that somehow it was your head that got smashed in instead of the picture. Yes, you may think that I'm violent but remember it was you who made me have these violent thoughts.

Regrets were never my thing so be glad that you're the first to ever made it to the list of what I have regretted in my life. Once you're in that list, you shall never be looked upon the same again. Forever, you shall reside in my eyes as someone that utterly disgusts me and never would you ever capture my heart again. Unless of course you do an act of repentance such as slitting your main artery so that blood cannot flow through your body but instead spurts out of your body, draining you of the precious oxygen which your body desires. And I would just be standing there taking it all in and if I'm kind enough, I would call the ambulance just in time so you wouldn't die. If I am kind enough. Yes, I can be that evil. But it is through human deceptions and actions which causes another to be evil, to be thrown into the constant darkness which is evil. The line between good and evil is blurred even more when thoughts of murder and revenge comes up in your mind and it has always been fun to see another be tortured and just see them beg for mercy, for relief from the pain that binds them to the plane which we shall call reality.

It is not an act of revenge of which I typed out this post but rather the constant emotional battle which I have had within my body and my mind which compels me to lash out in this entry. Blood red is my favourite colour now because it shows the constant darkness that we humans battle against in our mind. Only a few mind submits to it and in doing so receives great power. Power in the sense of freedom. Freedom to do anything. Not being bound by ethics or morality. We do what we see fit and the end always justify its means. Life in this world is meant to be taken by those with greater power. Which is why I am plotting take yours.

Stuck in Reverse

2008-05-31T11:17:00.002+08:00

Before I start on this post, I would like to give a big shout out to Vernon, Suba, Wes and Isk who have been there for me these past few days and constantly cheering me up. You guys are bros for life. I really appreciate you guys being there and supporting me.

Anyway, on to the real stuff. Drama camp is starting in a few days time and I haven't really got an idea what to pack. I guess I'll just randomly stuff in a few of my things and hope it will turn out fine. Going to bring my guitar along cause this year, I would not follow the schedule of the whole camp so much cause I wanna be hardcore and rebel against the system. LOL. Aku fierce tau.

Haven't been able to come up with new melodies for my lyrics and it's starting to bug me. It used to come to me so easily but now, pfft. I think the girl at kaffe esplanade has the hots for Wesley. I think the school should open up the carpark for smoking again. I think that some girls should stop being such a complete whore for money. I think that people should start being themselves and stop being such shallow, lying hypocrites. I guess I'm pretty miffed. But I won't tell you guys what it is.

School has been fun so far with my best buds. Lessons have been interesting. I haven't gotten any nightmares the past few days and the bleeding from my wrists have stopped so I guess it's okay now. The song "Street Spirit( Fade Out)" by Radiohead is my current favourite because it makes me go into a trance which is good because it makes my mental state numb from all emotions.

Survey or Questionnaire?

2008-05-27T23:24:00.004+08:00

Ehh, I just got tagged to do this stoopid survey but I am just gonna do it since I don't usually do stuff like this... Thanks ah Zarrin... Thanks a lot...

A) people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. these people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by.continue this game by sending it to other people.

#1 if your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Well, she already did. So yeah, I'm still in shock but slowly getting better, =(.

#2 if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Hear my songs being played out on the radio and just get filthy rich and marry the girl that I love.

#3 what do you live for??
I don't know the answer to that question yet. It's one of the questions which I can never find the answers to.

#4 are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Kind of. But I know it'll still be alright if I just have faith.

#5 what's your favourite quote??
Fear creates illusions of reality.

#6 which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I think it's both really. There's no such thing as more blessed for either because things like this are all based on the heart of each individual.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Quite a long time really. But at the same time I go out with other girls so I wouldn't get bored.(JOKING ONLY AHS)

#8 if the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I dunno? Make cuts on my arms and write a suicidal song for her?

#9 is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Bloody packed buses, politics everywhere.

#10 who the fcuk ask me to do this tagging??
Zarrin, the fucker. ahaha.

#11 is being tagged fun?
Not at all. Wasting my time. I feel my life wasted sia.

#12 how do you see yourself in ten years time?
Old and married(probably)

#13 who are currently the most important people to you?
My family, my friends and lastly the girl that I like.

#14 what kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Very emo with Mat tendecies. ahaha... Nice person overall.

#15 would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
I rather be single and rich. When you're single and rich, girls will be proposing to me instead. ahaha.

#16 what's the first thing you do every morning?
Take a shit and bathe.

#17 whats the song that suits your current relationship??
dunno ahs. But im currently listening to street spirits by radiohead. awesome song uhs.

#18 if there's something you like to change about yourself,what would it be??
my financial situation. hahaha... I dun like carrying 5 cent coins in my pocket everyday.

#19 what type of friends do you like?
People who I can joke with, don't stab me in the back. The ones I usually hang around with are the friends I like. You guys should know who you are. =D

#20 are you satisfied with your life right now??
Kinda. But it could be soo much better if I had more moolahs.

RJ, Camp, Music and Love(?)

2008-05-26T22:55:00.003+08:00

I am bloody tuckered out these past few weeks. Haven't been doing my RJs and stuff. I have finally started doing it again today cause I felt bad because the Facilitators wouldn't know how to grade me fully if I don't do my RJs.

I'm excited for drama camp. Time has flown by pretty fast and now we're going to have another drama camp. We shall miss Shahida cause she's not going for drama camp. Anyway this year the camp promises to be fun, at night mostly. If the day activities are going to suck, I'm just going to be relaxing one corner and just enjoying the sun's rays and warmth. Haha. Night time is when I get my energy level up, if you know what I mean. Hehe.

Been composing a few songs recently thanks to the experiences that I have went through these past few weeks. I'm excited to record it all in a proper recording studio. Just looking for the time, money and people who I trust that can play the songs well. Maybe after recording them, I'll upload it to like myspace or imeem or something like that.

Lastly, I think I've found reasons as to why I should still continue liking her. As more than a friend. Shouldn't have given up on her. Realized that she is still the best amongst thus far.

Night Sky Gazes

2008-05-21T18:10:00.002+08:00

I am so proud of myself. I have done it again. A new song! Haha. So here for you guys to enjoy is the lyrics to my new songs. I'm recording the songs that I have compiled so far very soon and hopefully those who are close to me would be able to listen to it very soon. So here are the lyrics to my new song:

Night Sky Gazes
- Yan H. Valdez

Gazing at the night sky wishing for it to end
Crying as the moon rise watching life pass me by
Blood drips from my wrists as I stare blankly at you
At a moment in time where nothing else matters to me

I can't stand not knowing the future
When you and I don't matter
I can't breathe
When you're pressing down against me

Feel like moving on
So I can't be hurt by you
Ever again
Thought that we were something
In the end it meant nothing
To you

Do you know how much I cried
Thinking of you
Have you ever felt the pain
Thinking of me

I can't stand not knowing the future
When you and I don't matter
I can't breathe
When you're pressing down against me

Feel like moving on
So I can't be hurt by you
Ever again
Thought that we were something
In the end it meant nothing
To you

As I stand on the edge of sorrow
Crying tears of blood
Watching you walk away from me
You're killing me softly

Oh yeah, the lyrics has been copyrighted so if you guys want to use any part of my songs, do ask permission from me or else you might just end up getting a call from my lawyer. This goes for all my other songs too.

A promise...

2008-05-16T10:29:00.002+08:00

I am feeling less stressed out now. A lot of my worries are off my chest and I feel like I can finally breathe easy now.

I'm quitting cigarettes cause it's an expensive habit and I no longer wish to further jeopardize my health. So guys, I would very much appreciate it if you don't tempt me into starting it up again because I have really, really wanted to quit for a very long time now. Please do me this favor and don't tempt me into smoking again.

I've been wanting to watch Iron Man the movie. Heard it was a great movie with an awesome plot and awesome graphics. Going to watch it this saturday with Isk, Abby and her. Excited. Can't wait.

I think I was dreaming but I could have sworn I saw a cow jumping over a moon and a little boy riding a bicycle in the sky chasing it. Haha. Random.

Ciao!

A new beginning(again)

2008-05-14T22:29:00.002+08:00

I know all my posts have been kinda emotional and a tad bit suicidal to some but just to reassure you guys who cares, I'm not suicidal and I am no longer the emo kid. Ahaha.

My heart have finally settled on one and I hope it's the right decision.

Anyway, I am feeling kinda excited because tomorrow is like a brand new start for the whole of drama ig with brand new members and whole lot of potential. Potential in acting in case you were wondering. I just feel that with what has been going on lately that this is the proper way to greet the new freshies into drama. With everyone's grievances settled during the last meeting, I hope that this year would be a great year for drama.

On a side note, I am still contemplating whether to cut my hair or not. The reason is this:-

If I cut, I'll look like a playboy(although it looks good to most) and lose my Yan-ness and gain my Val-ness(which is my alter ego).

If i don't cut, I'll look like a hippie but still retain my Yan-ness.

Confused? Me too. That is why I am still contemplating about it until now. One dilemma after another. Arghh!

Oh yeah, i think my muse is coming back to me. I feel like writing poems and lyrics almost all the time now. Yay me!

Grr...

2008-05-08T22:42:00.005+08:00

There's a lot of shit things that's happening in drama now. A lot of politics which really piss me off. Boot-licker who try her very hardest to go up in power. I'm just sick of it. If situations don't improve by the time drama camp is over, I may very well seriously consider quitting drama for good. I don't like conflicts nor do I wish to participate in them.

I think I like this girl very much. I'm just afraid that it's a one-sided affair, unrequited love as they say it. Been having too many problems in my head. I wonder if I can handle a relationship like this.

Oh yeah, check out these video that my group did for our modules.

Bored Polytechnic Students

The Butterfly Effect

Earth, Wind and Fire

Ok, I'm bored and sad and really pissed off with how things are right now. So don't screw with me.

Depressed

2008-05-06T23:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if what I have done is really enough. If i was good enough for that person. If I have what it takes to meet the expectations of that person.

But sometimes it's just hard trying to be somewhat that you're not. I can't just do everything all at once and expect it to be ok. I know I'm not perfect but you don't have to point out all my flaws bluntly. It's not like you're perfect also. I just can't stand it when someone just brings down my self-esteem like it meant nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's all so stressing. A lot of things on my mind now like PP, drama, her. I can't afford anymore problems in my life. I'm afraid that I may be picking up a blade soon. I just....

Tears are falling on my keyboard now and I can't seem to type properly. I'm really, really very depressed now.

Songs in Acoustic.

2008-05-04T12:35:00.003+08:00

Good news everyone! I have done it again. I have composed a new song. Haha. Anyway, take a look at the lyrics below:

Title: I wanna die
By: Yan H. Valdez

I wanna die
I wanna die
I wanna die right in this moment in time (X2)

I'm sick of this life
There's nothing to hide
People killing their way to get what they want

Living life, steps at a time
Is this your way of being alive?

I wanna die
I wanna die
I wanna die right in this moment in time (X2)

People say, get good grades
I just say, not today
People smile, malice in eyes
Searching for a way to let you die

I wanna die
I wanna die
I wanna die right in this moment in time (X2)

Disclaimer: The above song is copyrighted and any attempt in distributing or using it without the consent of the artiste shall be prosecuted.

How is it guys? Anyway, give me comments about it? Just a note though, I'm not really suicidal guys. The song just sorta crept into my brain. Haha.

I bet tomorrow is going to be a real happening day. A lot of drama coming your way. Haha. Can't wait.

Fucking pissed...

2008-05-03T18:39:00.003+08:00

I hate it when people always act nice in front of me but stabs me behind my back. It is these kinds of people which makes it hard for me trust anyone anymore. I guess it is true that now, lies and deception are the only ways for you to survive. I'm kinda pissed off right now and plans of murder are starting to form in my head.

I dreamed of her for the very first time and it was a really good dream and it is a really good sign. From my experiences, my dreams are sorta my signs as to what will happen in the future. I have always trusted my dreams as they have never let me down. Once. Unlike people who are just two-faced fuckers. Nice in front of you, fucking trying to bring you down when you turn your back.

I never liked having to use vulgarities but I guess certain circumstances call for me to do so. If only people were nice and sincere about it, then there wouldn't be any problems in this world. No wonder the whole world is going to hell. It's not about religion or politics that's creating the problems, it's people's attitude. What's the point in creating all these conflicts when we can all live happily together? Stupid idea, I know. In this world, there's no such thing as being nice.

I'm thinking of shaving off all my hair. It's getting kinda annoying.Fuck!

Pissed.

2008-04-28T23:26:00.002+08:00

I am bloody confused now. I don't know if I should tell her or not. Part of me wants to tell her, but the other is just too scared of rejection. I guess I've been too emotionally scarred by my past relationships.

Anyway, sad to say I haven't been selected to join the school team for bowling though I played a rather decent game last saturday. My average that day was about 159( I calculated). I even got the highest for the last two games. I think it was because I was playing straight ball instead of the fancier techniques like hook or spinner. Pretty unfair don't you think?

Anyway, I got fined today for smoking even though I was smoking outside the school. I wasn't even in the school compound when the incident started. I guess the school just wanted our money since the Prime Minister's brother is in one of their higher positions in the school. So yeah, get my drift?

It's like RP is becoming a mini Singapore where fines are slapped for almost all minor offences. I bet that most of the money collected from fines goes to the higher up's pockets anyway. If not, why would they bother imposing a fine anyway?

I really feel so pissed off right now. If I was smoking inside the school it's understandable if I got fined. But I was smoking outside school and it was even near the forest. If I were to smoke at the HDB area and residents complain, I would undestand. But I'm smoking near a bloody forest la can! Who would want to complain? The trees? The birds? Come on la RP. I'm sure you can do better than that. If you care so much about reputation and image, why don't you give out a PP to all the residents living in the area to secure their cooperation like what the government is doing?

First they take our money, then they give back a portion of our money back to us under a different name so as to secure our votes and support for them. No wonder a lot of people are not supporting the government anymore. I think that maybe Singapore should have a complete change of government officials. Make it a true democracy that they've been preaching all this while instead of allowing one family to rule it for decades.

ARGGHHH!!! I'm so pissed right now! Fuck the law!

Bits and Pieces

2008-04-25T22:31:00.002+08:00

I'm kind of excited cause tomorrow is my tryouts for the bowling team. Hope I can make the cut. Although they say that the minimum is 130, I'm still kind of nervous. What if I played horribly tomorrow? All my efforts would have dashed right before my eyes. I wouldn't want that to happen. Sheesh.

I kind of miss the good ol' days. Where everything was so simple and the only person you have to impress is yourself. But there's no hope for anything like that for me now because society expect loads more from me. Society society. I freaking hate that word.

I got shit loads of assignment to do and I haven't even started on my PP yet. Ahh! Stress! More PIMPLES! Damn!

Tomorrow I got auditions for a tv series. Wish me luck!

Ciao everyone!

Emo? Kinda....

2008-04-22T21:55:00.002+08:00

I feel kinda down today. I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind. Haven't had a chance to compose a new song. Too sad I guess.

I hate happy endings because they never happen in real life. I hate how they say if you study hard, you'll get good grades which lead to a stable job, a secure future. I just hate how people have different personalities. At one time they'll be all sweet and happy and the next they'll act as though you never existed.

I just hate how people in this day and age act. You never know who your real friends are and sometimes it just gets hard when you decide on whom to trust.

I hate how people come and go in your life. I hate how they look at me different just because I haven't seen them in long time. I just hate how they would judge me with their eyes and make stupid comments.

Sometimes I hate the fact that I'm still alive today.

But all that doesn't matter when I manage to see you first early in the morning. It doesn't matter at all. Somehow, you just make my day better. I don't know why. You just do. And I'm afraid that I may end up falling for you. I don't wanna be the one who's left standing trying to pick up all the broken pieces.

I think there's something wrong with my body. I thought the vomiting would stop once I started eating again. Guess I was wrong.

In other news...

2008-04-19T18:51:00.003+08:00

I know I've been feeling emo all this week. Turns out, I just didn't get enough sleep because I have to wake up very early each morning which resulted in me not having the mood to eat. And no Abby, I DO NOT have Anorexia. Sheesh. I won't resort to that kind of method even if I was as fat as a teletubby.

Finally felt better today since I slept early yesterday night at about 10pm, completely forgetting to do my RJ and waking up at about 11am this morning. I guess the week had finally taken its toll on me by making me sleep and sleep.

In other news, a total of 100 plus applicants signed up for DRAMA IG but as usual, we have to cut most of the numbers through auditions. We learnt our lesson when weirdos started joining drama. Read my archives to roughly get an idea who I'm talking about. We're not making the same mistakes this year so we're going to hold an AUDITION.

I signed up for BOWLING IG. Minimum requirement is to score an average of 130+ per game. I chuckled silently as I heard that. I have passed that requirement already. Hoping to raise my average again today to 150+. Been called a natural by my dad's friend. It definitely raised my self-esteem. Haha. I have just started playing seriously for about only a year so an average like 145+ is definitely a good sign. I'm not a prodigy at the game, but I'll catch up slowly since I don't have a proper coach to train me.

Ciao!

Emo shit again.

2008-04-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

I am still feeling down.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Been vomiting quite frequently.

I think there's something wrong going on with my body.

I'm scared to go to the doctor to find out what it is.

I feel sick, weak and dying.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

I rather stay in the comfort of my own darkness.

Emo shit....

2008-04-15T22:03:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling kind of down lately. I'm not sure why. I haven't been eating properly, can't sleep well. Sometimes the thought of just having to wake up from my slumber irks me. Sometimes I wonder to myself, just what am I doing on this Earth? What is my purpose in life? All I get as an answer is just the empty buzzing sound which is inside my head.

I was sitting down in the bus when I began to wonder, "What if the bus I was in got into an accident and I died? Would my friends and family cry for me? Or would they just be nonchalant about it?" I'm currently not too sure why I am thinking this way. It could be the hunger talking.

I think I'm falling sick. I can't eat, been vomiting liquids the past few days and I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Having sudden headaches which comes and goes as it pleases. The pain is bearable at the moment but I'm not too sure how long I can hold out before it completely consumes my being and all that's left is just an empty shell. An empty reminder of what it used to contain. A shell which is devoid of all human emotions and lives its life without any real purpose.

I feel shitty now for typing out all those emotional stuff. I promised myself not to be all emotional and melodramatic. I guess that sometimes, things should just remain the way they do.

Bowling Up!!

2008-04-13T01:51:00.002+08:00

First week of school has ended and I'm lazing about at home all jaded. Went out on Saturday to go play pool and bowling with my friends. Came home and relax for about an hour or two before going out again to bowl with my dad and his friends. Quite happy with tonight's bowling because my average went up again to 145 to what was previously around 130+. Hope to improve more on my again and be a little bit more consistent. Hopefully.

I am currently very pissed off about "the year 1 coming to school very early" problem. It is seriously affecting my time taken to go to school as well as my seriously low readership on my blog. I don't know why it would affect my readership but it does. Hmph. It's just so frustrating having to compete with the year 1s for bus space. Argghh!!! Stress!!

Been having thoughts of joining Bowling IG in school but no one I know wants to join with me cause they said that it is very expensive and the training place is very far. I'm going to be oh so lonely in that IG. I'm not that good in making friends and I'm also a very shy person. Really I am.(To those who know me, stop laughing.)

My arm, hand and fingers hurt now from all the swinging of 11-12 pound balls so I'm going to stop my post right here. Stay tuned for more updates!

A new beginning

2008-04-09T20:54:00.002+08:00

School so far have been great. Made plenty of new friends and came into contact with a few weirdos. It's all good however because this is what life should be all about. Getting to know the people around you and making sure they do not end up killing you. Haha. Being in Year 2 sure is tough cause you got to wake up earlier, get ready earlier and condition yourself to be able to fight your way through the crowded buses every morning. Let me tell you something, it is a damn great achievement if you are able to fight the crowded buses every morning but yet be able to reach your class in time.

Luckily for me, my class have been great so far. Plenty of great people to hang around with but sadly only a few of the students in my class smokes. However, that's not the main issue here.

The main issue is that my grade got penalized for the first day because apparently the year 1's do not know how to come to school on time but instead decides to come to school earlier. This is seriously affecting my being able to board the bus at Seletar camp every morning because the bus service number 168 is full of year 1's. Can you year 1's please don't be too excited to come to school early because you guys are seriously affecting the seniors ability to come one time. Geez.

Oh yeah, events I'm looking forward to this year is mainly the drama camp. That is when all hell break loose(at night) and we have an awesomely great time getting to know and love one another. Please make sure to stock up on cigarettes if you guys want to have fun. Alcohol is only intended for certain groups of people. The rest don't be busybodies ok?

My cheeks have been hurting since yesterday because of too much laughter. Randomness and laughter go along very well. Talk crazy and you'll laugh like crazy. That's what I found out.

That's it for now guys. Stay tuned for more updates!

Ciao!

Urghh...

2008-04-05T01:02:00.002+08:00

Urghh... I am so tired! Just came back from my emceeing gig at Republic Polytechnic FOP 2008. The crowd was great at the end of the whole thing. A lot of people left throughout the whole event but I guess that's their lost because the music towards the end really brought the house down. Now I feel jaded after so many events that I emceed and I guess it just got old. Now I'm looking forward to school opening because I want to join the bowling IG there! a lot of people may not know it existed but I do! Joining it just to improve my game and bowling average. Been going bowling every weekend with dad and his friends and I must say they taught me a lot of stuffs regarding bowling. Now I'm hoping to raise my bowling average to about 170-180 per game. Really hope that works out for me. Oh yeah, dad said he was going to buy me a personalized ball and shoes if I made the school team for bowling. Hope he can keep his end to the bargain cause I know I will. Hehe.

Anyway, I've been stickamming quite a bit ever since Isk recommended me the site. So far, I made a lot of really good friends online from all over the world such as Australia, Japan, Texas, Michigan, Hawaii and etc etc. Hope to make lots more because it's good to make new friends especially from all over the world. It's called social networking so even if you are new to the country, you'll still be able to learn about the country from the locals there.

Mum and dad said that most probably this year's holiday trip would be either Hawaii or Switzerland. Now I'm stuck to choose either. I want to go Switzerland to snowboard but I also want to go Hawaii to meet my friend from Stickam. Ah! Stress!

Cis!Keju!Cisdale!Cheesedale!Kejudale! Chip and Dale! Meow!!

Musical!!!

2008-04-02T03:32:00.002+08:00

I went to watch a musical today. It is freaking awesome. The music, the lights and the acting were awesome. The cost of production was also awesome. The only thing that could be better about the whole musical is if they had a meet and greet session with the cast of the musical. Damn. I wished that somehow my school's drama department can do something like that. It would be Le-gen-dary!

Now I'm sleepy cause it's 3.30am in the morning. I'll edit this post when I wake up. See ya!

RP Bashing?

2008-03-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder how can people be so judgmental regarding something? Is it because they regard themselves to be better than others? If not, why do you judge in the first place? What gives you the right to be able to judge on something which you yourself have no knowledge about? Some of you might be wondering just what am I talking about right? Yeah well, just go to this link and you'll know what I mean.

http://forums.hardwarezone.com.sg/showthread.php?t=1849787

There's this one forum user in the thread which I am absolutely pissed off with. Here's the story: He was offered a job to teach in Republic Polytechnic(RP) but declined the offer because he felt it would 'dirty' his resume. The basis for this is because he felt that RP's method for teaching is too lax and the fundamentals of the modules learned are lost because the students taking those modules usually 'smoke' their way through the entire module. As a current RP student, I was aghast when I read the thread posted in the forum. How dare he try to bring down RP's reputation. I've not been a student in RP for long but what I DO know about it is that the students do learn and they understand the given problem much better. If we were to compare RP's teaching method to other polytechnic, I would say RP would still produce as much quality students as the other polytechnic. If he were saying that RP teaching method is flawed, then why don't he come up with something better? If the method is flawed, then why the hell is it approved by the Ministry of Education(MOE)? Oh yeah, this is the best part about this guy who posted a lot of degrading shit about RP. He thinks himself to be so good but in the end uses broken English in his post. I was completely baffled and taken aback by his mastery of the English or lack of it. If he was so 'superior', why didn't he post in a manner which everyone can understand? I honestly had difficulties trying to read and understand his post because it was simply laden with too much unneeded suffixes and affixes which I believe do not bring any kind of extra flavour to the posts.

Anyway, back to the main topic. In any institute of education, it is up to the students to be self-disciplined enough to be able to take it upon his or her self to make sure that their time in that school is not wasted. It is very much unfair to use a percentage of these students, who are lazy and uses nothing more than their talking skills to gain good grades, to account for the image of the rest of the student population. I achieved enough points to even go to JC but I chose not to because I knew that most JC students suffer in there and this is especially true in my case since I have a lot of students who were in my secondary school that goes to JC and suffered even though they were one of the tops back then. You might be thinking that my school might be a crappy school and that's why they are getting good grades. Well how about this, the average 'o' level points were 12 for L1R5 and less than 10 for L1R4? That is better than average for a neighborhood school.

So what my school(RP) is trying to promote is actually independent studying, teamwork, interpersonal skills and also critical thinking. We have presentations everyday which helps to boost our confidence when facing an audience. I have a friend who was so shy to present at first but later becomes really confident. We become confident in presenting not because we are 'smoking' our way through but instead we are confident because we know that the facts that we have learned is true and therefore accurate. Even though the students are given the same topic, most would probably not cover the same angle to the topic as the others. In that way, we are exposed to different sides of the topic and in the process gain more knowledge. In every school, there will definitely be students who choose to relax and not take their school work seriously. So please do not use these students to generalize the whole student population of RP. If you want to generalize, please show me some concrete facts to help support your statement. If you don't have any, please kindly shut up and fuck off. Peace!

Class and chinese people

2008-03-30T02:09:00.003+08:00

Checked the roster for my new class this coming semester. Thank God! At least there are people I know in it. The ratio of the races in my class is pretty much balanced. It's like the distribution method of the Singapore Housing System. Chinese being the majority and the rest of the class is a mix of Malays, Indians and Eurasians. Should have expected that since our country is pretty much being populated by Chinese people. However this wasn't so back in the good old days. I guess China was too overpopulated that they had to give away part of their population to my country. In the end, they started breeding and what do you know? They form the majority of Singaporeans and the head of Singapore(PM) is a Chinese. No surprises there. I guess I just have to live with it for a couple of more years before I migrate to greener pastures. I sure hope time passes by fast.

[EDIT]

I realised that what I wrote above was too short and wouldn't really benefit your time in reading it. So what I am going to post may make you wonder for a while. Some might think of it as bull shit but I don't care. I did say my blog was going to be rather philosophical right? So read and try to understand what I'm going to post before giving me stupid comments about it.

My friend have just came back from europe and she told me that when she was there, she managed to participate in a peaceful demonstration urging the country leader to pull their soldiers from Iraq. Well, for some of you, this might not be of much concern because you might have already seen or even participated in one yourself. It is your right to express your freedom as a citizen of that country. Well, my country has that as well but you see, if we were to form a demonstration, it's off to jail for us. So here I am asking you, where's the freedom in that? The government replied that we can express ourselves freely as long as we don't touch on the issues of racism, the government itself and basically anything that might undermine the government's authority. So here I am asking you again, where's the freedom in that? If we were given the 'freedom' then why are we not able to express ourselves as we please?It's like saying you can go to your friend's party but just don't step out of your house. It is completely contradictory is it not? The members of the government are chosen/voted by the people of the country. It's thanks to us you guys are the 'head' of the country. As the 'head', you are supposed to do anything and everything that is available in your power to satisfy the need for you 'body'. But what you are doing now is akin to letting the 'body' suffer. The signs may not be evident but I assure you, it is definitely there. So I implore you - the government- to let the people have their freedom to be able to write, say anything which they believe is their right to express. So once again, you readers might be asking, what am I supposed to ponder about? The question is : Do you think that the government is doing a good job? Are they making sure that their people are happy? Not just financially, but socially and all? If you said yes to all the questions, I would have to ask you to really think about it deeply. If you don't want to, then I guess you wouldn't get the message that I was trying to convey.

Cheerio!

Weird people, weird world

2008-03-28T14:56:00.004+08:00

There is a fine line between being confident and being egoistic/arrogant. Apparently, to a certain someone I know, that line is very much being blurred or should I say excessively smudged instead? This person's egoistic personality knows no bounds. He feels as though he is far superior than the people around him and goes around telling others "stories" which he thinks makes him look 'cool' and popular. Apparently, he likes to go around showing off to people about his overseas trip which of course does not bother me if he told it normally and not trying to show it off. Well sorry to say this, but what you're doing just isn't working out for you. You should stop trying so hard to act so cool and just be yourself. There's no point in acting that way. At first I thought it was just a phase but I didn't realize you were really trying so hard to be cool. One word of advice to you from me(free of charge), drop the act and be normal for once or you will forever be included as part of the weird bunch. Cause seriously dude, you really irk me a lot with your behavior.

There's also this one person which I think is in serious need for help. I'm not talking about his physical health though because he has been getting them. It's his mental health I'm worried about. This person goes around talking in his high-pitched voice(imagine mickey mouse's voice but slightly higher) but in truth, his voice is roughly one or two octaves lower. When I found out about his real voice, I was thinking" Just what kind of kicks does this kid get from going around talking like that?". Sighs.

Sometimes I wonder if this world is getting weirder and weirder with all these kinds of people living in this world.

The weirdest dream I had so far...

2008-03-26T10:47:00.003+08:00

I have just woken up from a seriously weird dream. It started off okay, then became good and ends to be just weird. Here's how it goes:

THE OKAY PART: I was with my family at the playground near my maternal grandmother's place. I don't know how we got there but we're just there. Apparently we're there to witness a tennis tournament between two ladies, Maria Sharapova and another one which I could not remember the name. In the match, Maria was seriously getting beaten down by the opponent.

THE GOOD PART: Then at halftime( I know Tennis has no halftime but just bear with me o.k? It's just a dream remember?), I decided to approach Maria and say hello. We were talking and talking and we realised that there was this awesome chemistry between us. I then decided to take a walk with her. She agreed to do so but reminded me to get back to the tournament before the match resumes. So off we went, our hands interlaced together.

THE WEIRD PART: Somehow we ended up at the wet market near my place which is rather far away from my grandmother's place. We were walking through the market happily when suddenly this guy, who was wearing an army uniform( I don't know why), was running throughout the whole market throwing fried catfish to every stalls. The fish was everywhere! Some was on the window sill, some on top of the stalls and etc etc. So we went to one stall and guess what we decided to buy? Catfish, to eat for dinner. At that moment of the dream, I told Maria, why don't we just scoop up all the catfish that was thrown around? She replied, "because I'm rich and this place is filthy. And do you want to die early?" I was like, "Ooh." That such a Blonde moment of mine.

THE WEIRDER PART: All of a sudden, my mum pops up into the picture with dad. They were busy choosing the right fish for dinner. Hmm. I don' know why but soon after that we were handed a box full of bubble tea beverages. Haha. I was thinking, "This sure is random of mum and dad to buy bubble teas for everyone. After handling the box and carefully putting it on the ground, I nudged Maria and told her that it was time to go back or else she would be late for her match and she would then have to be disqualified. We went back to the direction of the tournament, hands interlaced again, happy like a baby that has just been milked. At that point, my watch( I didn't know I had one!) went off beeping and I told her that we were very late for the match. I grabbed her hand tight and we began to run for it. We were running and running but surprisingly I wasn't tired at all( Must be because it's a dream? LOL!). We were almost there when I decided to run through the grass instead of the path and lo and behold, I stepped on dog poop! So did Maria though. But I realized it first. She only realized it after seeing I stepped on it and decided to check if she did as well. She found out she did. Haha. We were both busy wiping off the poop when we saw the culprit. It was a lame-ass mongrel who did it. HE was busy napping beside the poop that he let out. Irresponsible dog. So we did the only reasonable thing we can. We dragged the dog into the drain and locked him in.

End of dream. What? Were you expecting more? So yeah, I couldn't find out the results of the tournament but I'm sure she won anyway. I found out later that the beeping sound from my 'watch' was actually mobile phone's alarm which I had set the previous night. Strange dream huh? I thought so too when I woke up. But the dream was in DVD quality, not HD. That's why I couldn't remember the other player's name. But I kinda feel as though we flirted quite a bit before the match starts. Haha. That's the end of today's entry. Comment on it in my tagboard OK? If you don't know where it is, just click on the link 'Shout Here!'.

Ciao!

The fears of the past

2008-03-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when I reflect back to the past, I realised that there are a lot of stupid, crazy things which I have done, which should not have even happened in the first place. I guess there's no way to turn back time and undo those of which that have been done. One of the things which I really hate about my past is that I used to go out with a lot of girls, either one at a time or several at once. Some might call me a playboy or even a Casanova( Isk if you reading, stop laughing k?). However, I can't really blame myself for that since I was at the stage where I was experimenting with relationships and getting to know about what it was. I would often use sweet words or even come up with intricate expressions just to win the girls' hearts. Thankfully, at the end of the whole thing, I realised that what I did was wrong and that I must have hurt the other party terribly when I ended off the relationships suddenly. At the point of time, I didn't know what I wanted. I was too young to make such decisions. I tried to use reasons and rationale to justify my ways then. Why I went out with a lot of girls at the same time. But it's not the same. And when I really lost something that was dear to my heart, that was when I realised, I shouldn't be doing this. Good or bad deeds have always had a way of making their way around and back at you. If you did good things, good for you. If you did bad, then you better brace for the future.

However, life is not all about the past. You can never change the past, but you can use the past to guide your future actions so that you don't let history repeats itself. History is aptly named history because it was something that happened in the past and thus should never be repeated again in the course of time. Although I may say all this, we always hang on to our past. From there, we begin to fear. We fear that what we did in the past might come back to haunt us. I have on several occasions have fleeting notions of these kinds of fears. But I always try to brush them off and tell myself to be brave. To not fear the past.

What we fear is just an illusion and if we believe strongly in these fears, it in turn becomes our reality. Well, what I'm trying to say here is that we must be able to stay strong in the future. Mentally, not physically. If you were mentally strong, nothing in this world will be of consequence to you. You will be like a person encased in a barrier which bounces off all the world's negativity because you don't fear, fear itself. This feat in itself is definitely harder than how it may seem like. It would be even harder than the most complex, intricate mathematical equation that can ever be devised. One that even Einstein might have difficulties with. But it is definitely not impossible. Cause all you got to do is believe in yourself, to believe that you are without fear, to let go of all worldly desires, so that one day you might be able to attain a state in which you are one with the world and yet you are separate from it.

This might be a random yet strange topic for those readers who know me because seldom do I ever delve into these kinds of topics for fear that people might not be able to comprehend completely what I say in its entirety. And yet again, I managed to let fear get the better of me. Therefore, I have decided to change, to not let fear rule over me but instead let me overcome fear. So this blog might become very philosophical in the future. So if you feel like reading about what I say, what I think about, then please continue visiting this blog.

Urghh!! The nerve of some people

2008-03-22T21:45:00.003+08:00

I really hate it when people try to infer things about me which I feel has no relevance at all. What right have you to do that? Screw you! I think I know myself better than you do. So stop trying to play a psychiatrist and thinking that you are qualified enough to figure out what is wrong with someone because frankly it really irks me alot. Why don't you try to solve your own problems before trying to solve others. If you can solve your own problems, what makes you think YOU can solve others? So think about it for a second before trying to act all high and mighty. You might get away with this with any other person but not me because I'm not as dumb as you think I am. It vexes me so just how you think you are superior than others cause frankly, every one is equal in this world. If you were to list out your good and your bad side, you will find that both will be equally balanced. So on this note, screw off!

License and school

2008-03-19T04:25:00.002+08:00

I was thinking about how it would be much easier for all of us if schools were to implement driving courses into its education system. This way, students wouldn't have to sign up for courses to the many driving schools available here in Singapore. Instead, they could just sign up with the school to get their driving licenses, be it motorcars or motorcycles. Plus, maybe we could even get a subsidized rate so that those who are not financially well off can get their license. I believe having a license opens up more windows of opportunities than not having one. You can get all sorts of jobs if you have a license even if you did not have a good education. I know that schools in the US have implemented such a system and that is why you can see many youths of my age already driving around in a car/motorcycles. Some might argue and say that handing a license over to youths is a bad idea since they might do something stupid and end up in accidents. If that were the case, I believe that it is up to the relevant authorities to educate the youths from young on driving safely and being a smart pedestrian.

Anyway, I am still jobless but not looking for jobs anymore since the new school semester is about to start in about 2 weeks time. So yeah. I've been hanging out with some friends here and there and going to the gym mostly. Thinking back, was I so out of luck? Not being able to get a job throughout this whole semester break? Guess it's my fault for being too choosy. Ahh screw it. Can't wait for school to start. Hoping to meet old friends and making new ones. I hope the next batch of freshies have some pretty ones in there or this semester is gonna suck.

Thoughtlessness of Mankind

2008-03-14T23:20:00.002+08:00

Many things in life are never free as almost everything around you has a price to its name. Prices are going higher and people all over the world have to work hard just to be able to put food on the table and keep a shelter over their heads. We are advancing more and more into the realm of science and technology. However, through these many advances, we humans have lost so much more. We have lost the trust between nations, our humility, our sense of unity and our desire to be at peace with the world. Politicians speak of bringing peace and prosperity to the nation but just how are they going to achieve that? By stocking up on weaponry and devising military tactics? It is of no profit to any nations to conquer/invade their neighboring countries. Once a certain nation has succeeded in conquering all the nations in the world, what would be next?

It is only human desires to be able to come up with such notions. Human desires to be in control, to have complete dominance over everything. But will humans ever be happy with just that? No, they would not. They always hunger for something more, for something of which they do not possess. It is these kinds of materiality which will drive mankind to its own extinction.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Saving our Earth

2008-03-13T17:33:00.002+08:00

Argghh!!! I cannot stand it any longer!! My neighbor is seriously irritating the heck out of me. First it was every weekend but now, it's like almost every day they are going at it. You guys must be wondering what the heck am I talking about right? Well, my neighbors have been karaoke-ing the shit out of me. It is soo damn annoying. If their voice were easy on the ears I wouldn't mind. But they S-U-C-K. Like totally S-U-C-K. Haiz. Oh God, Please have mercy on my ears.

Anyway, I'm going to write a little bit on how important we humans are on this earth.
Well truth be told, the fact is, we're not important at all. If we humans were to be extinct, there wouldn't be any negative impact on the planet's ecosystem. In fact, I think nature would be better off without us. We are the only animals who cause harm than good on this planet. Every other living organism has a part to play in the ecosystem, a purpose. But what exactly is OUR purpose on this planet? I once watched an advertisement on TV saying that us humans are the only animals smart enough to protect all the other animals on this planet. When I say animals, I meant fishes, birds, insects and the likes. So why are we not doing our job? Instead, we are endangering the animals and the environment around us. Animals adapt themselves to nature. But being the arrogant sentients that we are, we adapted nature to us by building roads, buildings, power plants and such. Is it really in our power to be able to do such things? Luckily for us, nature has her way of telling us she's not happy by the multitude of natural disasters that we have experienced these past decade. So all I'm trying to prove by this post is for us to realize that this is OUR earth. OURS. Not just humans. This earth belongs to everyone and everything on this planet. So we should do our best to protect it and everything within it before it consumes us all in the end.

My Breath and Soul

2008-03-10T01:17:00.001+08:00

Losing my breath and my soul in this empty darkness

Clenching my fist trying to fight my way out of here

You made my heart break down and into pieces

How can you ever leave me here all alone?

To find solace in this dark solitude is what I desire

Releasing every inch of my soul to the one above

It is not purpose of which motivates my heart

Rather the guilt which haunts me every night

Grasping at the emptiness in front of me

Silently hoping for a light or even a tiniest ray of hope

The raging inferno which first dwelled my heart

Have since whittled down to a tiny flame

Not knowing the ressentiment of my reticence

The abashment of thyself is not within the labyrinthine of thy heart

Some scary and weird shit!

2008-03-06T19:58:00.003+08:00

It just amazes me how something so small can be blown out of proportions. Well, I'm actually referring to this friend of mine who I feel is still acting immature for a person her age. She claims to have a lot of problems and when she confides in me regarding those problems, I can't help but get the feeling that this is one dumb as shit girl. And the thing is, she keeps thinking that she alone can solve the "problems" that she's facing. So stupid. Oh yeah, the best part is, she thinks her whole family is against her. What a riot! I virtually rolled on the floor laughing when I heard the stories she told me. Sometimes I would just love to snap in her face and ask her to grow up cause she is definitely acting too immature for her age.

Anyway, on to another topic. I had a really strange dream and no it's not about that girl. It's really weird and still sends shivers down my spine. Here's how it goes:

The scene commences in a house, not sure whose house but it is a rather big house, a mansion most probably. In this mansion, there are 16 people. These 16 people are related to you in some way or another be it friends, families or relatives. You are then segregated into groups of 2 and each group are placed in a room. The groups are done by random so you never know who you will be grouped with. So here's the chilling part, what you have to do in the room is try to kill each other off using anything that is available in the room. If you don't, poisonous gas will be introduced and kill off both of its occupants. Everything that happens in the room is recorded live and streamed to viewers on the internet who has an account and bets on the winning contestant. After the first round, the winner of each room will get to rest for a day to recover and gets $1000 for winning that round. The next round will pit the winners against each other and so on and so forth. The winner of each round will win double of what they won from the previous round. Basically it's like this. Round 1 - $1000, round 2 - $2000, Semi-final - $4000 and the finals - $8000 plus a bonus of $2000 should he$she manage to kill the person within the time limit.

So yeah, I dreamt that I was part of this tournament which scared the hell out me when I woke up. Just imagine, you are trapped in a dream-like state and had to endure something like the hostel + SAW kind of scenario. That is some scary shit!

Love...??

2008-03-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

You can never tell when you're going to fall in love. So it doesn't matter if you fell in love right after you're done with someone else cause love just happens. You can't control the feelings/emotions of love. You can't just tell yourself "I love her" or "I don't love her". It just happens. The good thing about love is that LOVE is blind. So even if the girl is very hot and sexy but if you don't love her, then things between the two of you will never work out. So take my advice, if you feel that you love that someone who is special to you then go for it or you may forever lose that chance. I made that mistake once. It's not a nice feeling to have.

A dream to relfect on

2008-03-02T21:01:00.002+08:00

These few days, my dreams have been bothering me to some extent and I just feel that somehow my dreams are trying to send a message to me which I have up till now been unable to decipher. I'm sure you are wondering what I'm talking about right? Well, it's like this. Lately I have been dreaming about my ex-girlfriend and the weird thing is, when I wake up, I notice that the area around my eyes are wet, with tears probably. So right now, I'm pretty scared about this because I promised myself that I would forget her but the truth is sometimes hard to forget. Ahhh! I'm stressed. Hmph.

Anyway, have you ever had dreams which were so real you felt that it was reality itself? Well, I actually believe that these dreams are part of the alternate reality our souls go to when we sleep. I'm sure all of you have heard of people dying in their sleep right? I think that these people who died in their sleep are those who never want to leave their dreams and stay there because they feel that their dreams are their reality. This can be considered true as well because who are to differentiate which reality is real or not? Sometimes, dreams provide a glimpse of the future. You might think I'm crazy but I have had several dreams which came true in my lifetime. I won't divulge which ones because they are completely personal to me. However, dreams are also a way for our body to relieve some of its emotional stress. It creates a scenario which makes it real to us. Haha. Confusing is it not? There are a lot of facets to dreams which we may never find out in our lifetime.

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this post. To end of, here's a comic strip to liven up your day. So far now, ciao!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Kids Today...

2008-03-02T02:04:00.003+08:00

As we go further into the new year, the more I keep thinking about the past. There's just something about it that kept bugging me about it. I know I've told myself not to regret any decisions that I have made over the years however there are some which I would change if given the chance. The sad thing is, I think I am still in love with my ex-girlfriend. It's just hard letting go of someone to whom you have poured all your heart and soul into. But I guess it's OK that she had moved on. Maybe it's time I moved on. Ever since our time together, there hasn't been any other girl who could fill the void in my heart when you left.

Anyway, today I'm going to blog about something which is of relevance to the youths of today. First question of the day is: Have you ever noticed just how fortunate kids are nowadays?

Well if you haven't, I certainly have. Kids today are just so darn lucky to have been in a time when their parents are much more affluent than they were say 20 years back. Almost everything that they desire have been spoon fed to them with a silver spoon. I very nearly choked on my lunch when I overheard a kid complain to his friend that he got only $10 for allowance that day. So i was wondering to myself, just how much do kids nowadays get for allowance. I was reading the papers a few days back when I came across this very interesting article which headlined "Are today's kids too spoilt and pampered?". I agree totally with the headline seeing as to how kids today prefer their comfort or rather demand it. I was totally shocked when I read the article stating that kids in secondary/primary schools refused to eat only sweet potatoes for recess as part of the Total Defense Campaign. My jaw totally dropped when I read that article because I could not simply believe just how spoilt these brats were. When I was younger, whatever was on the table would be consumed and nothing was left untouched seeing as to how we were fortunate enough to have a meal to eat.

Anyway, to lighten things up after the heavy topic, here's a comic for you readers to enjoy.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Till next time, ciao! Au revoir!

Granddad died.... =(

2008-02-27T15:39:00.002+08:00

Went out to school early this morning cause got a meeting for SLA fiesta. Pretty interesting stuff we came up with. On way back, received a message from mum saying granddad died. Gonna go out now to his place to pay my last respects. Hope he's having a great time in heaven. May God have mercy on your soul! Peace.

Gym....??

2008-02-26T20:35:00.002+08:00

Today was a tiring day but full of coincidences. Bumped into quite a few of my old mates both from secondary and primary school. Really freaky. But that's to be expected since all of us live in the same area. Haha. Anyway, I went to the gym with my friends today. My whole body is aching after the somewhat "intense" training. Can't really go to the extreme today since I haven't conditioned my body for so long. Oh yeah, promised you guys some interesting news right? Well actually, I am getting engaged this end of the year. Oh yeah, here's a cartoon for you guys to enjoy.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Nice right? Hahahaha....

PS. I was joking about the whole engagement part.... Hahaha... Peace!

2008-02-25T21:25:00.002+08:00

Found a very interesting video clip for you guys to enjoy. It's from explosm.net. All you readers out there should definitely check out these website. Anyway, here's the clip.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

SchoolHouse Rocks.... Sucks!!!

2008-02-25T02:58:00.003+08:00

I slept a lot the whole of Sunday after tiring myself cleaning the house. Watched the pilot episode of School House Rocks on Kids Central today and it totally sucked. From the acting to the dance routine and even the singing. A poor attempt by Kids Central to cash in on the popularity of the hit musical High School Musical. I really felt disgusted by the whole show. I think that Kids Central is just trying too hard to follow other styles when all it should really do is focus on their own. IF they even have their own.

Anyway, after cleaning the house all I did was sleep, wake up to smoke and eat, play the PS2 for a while and go sleep again. Now my body feels oh so heavy and I'm receiving calls late at night. I have been really bored throughout this whole three weeks of holidays because of the fact that I'm not working. Anyway, I hope that you guys are still reading and following my blog despite it being dead for well over two months. I had plenty of thoughts about updating but the words just won't appear in my mind. So just bear with the boring stuff cause I'm going to tell you guys some pretty interesting news on my next update. So for now, Au revoir!

The Discovery...

2008-02-23T00:37:00.002+08:00

I realized that turning 18 was no big deal. So what if I am legal to buy cigarettes and alcohol, watch M18 movies and take my license? It doesn't really mean anything much to me. I find that almost everything is still the same except that I am now liable to go jail for any offense that I would make. I guess turning 18 is grossly exaggerated. You're just a year older. That doesn't mean you're wiser or anything. You might just be as stupid as before. Haha. Peace!

F**king tired of all of this

2007-12-21T09:07:00.000+08:00

I am sick and tired of trying to win over someone's heart. It's just too heart-breaking. Every time I hear the phrase " You're just a friend", my heart breaks inside. I don't think I can do this anymore. I've been giving out all the signals and it's sad too say I received little or no reply from the party intended. So many insecurities I have. I guess, maybe it's just not time yet for me to love someone.
Ahh, I need to get a job to take my mind off these worries. Got recommendations anyone? At least a $7/hr kinda job.
P.S. $7/hr is kinda a good rate for part-timing students in Singapore.

2007-12-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

I'm leaving for new Zealand tomorrow night. Going to miss her a lot. I can't imagine not messaging or seeing her for ten days. Gosh, I miss her already. Anyway, I'll be sure to take lots of pictures and upload it here so you guys can see what it's like in new Zealand. I'll be back before you know it. So don't miss me aites??

For you...

2007-12-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you wonder to yourself if what you have become is something you never expected yourself to be. That doesn't mean you don't have the time to change for the better. You are what you define yourself to be. Everyone's bound to make mistakes in the life because we are humans. Humans are not perfect. To err is to be human.

So don't let those mistakes that you have done prevent you from changing for the better. No one would think less of you if you made mistakes. So cheer up k dear?? Remember what I said to you on MSN.

Weary

2007-11-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

Birds fly free in the air
catching the wind beneath their wings
I'm here chained to the ground
Forever bound to haunt the earth

Whispering winds brought the scent of sorrow
to the flitting thoughts of the deranged individual
Betrayal stabbed through his heart
As you lay locked into his final piercing gaze

-- Yan H. Valdez

I'm feeling all lousy this week. I think that the fatigue has finally taken its toll on my weary body. Every step I take brings me unimagined agony both mentally and physically. I grow tired of this materialistic world. But I shall hold on for the sake of my loved ones. Especially YOU.

Some people just...

2007-11-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been doing some thinking and I began to think about my life as whole. Sometimes i wonder, just what have i been doing with my life? Have I made full use of it? Or have just wasted it all away? I don't know the answer and at the same time, I'm afraid to. What's my calling in life? What is the purpose of my existence on this earthly plane of materialism?

Woah, random. Ha Ha. Anyway, I'm going to bitch about something here in this post. If you're interested, read on. if you're not, feel free to go away. So, i was surfing through blogger.com when i came across this blogger who seemed to me she was begging for attention. If you went to her blog, the desperateness of her for attention can be seen through her blog. I hate it when people put "blahblah = love". and all that shit. I don't find it all that cute. Irritating yes, cute no. I know people have their own way of expressing themselves but damn it, do they have to go to that extent? And there are those who act all emo and stuffs in their blog which simply irks me. I'm not talking about emotional poems and all that sappy stuff but the ones who write about slitting their wrists a thousand times, killing themselves kind of stuffs. Know what I mean?

Sometimes I find that these people are just hypocrites garnering for attention so that they feel as though their pathetic lives have some sort of meaning and not at all empty. I once thought you were different, but it seems that you're just like the rest. Sweet and innocent on the outside but scheming and devilish on the inside. I'm not going to mention names but I feel it's time you grew up and stop feeling so sorry for yourself. No one in this world will help you unless you learn to help yourself. So GROW UP and stop being such an ATTENTION SEEKER! If you don't stop, you might find yourself alone and without a friend cause all the people around you will stop pretending that they care about you when you yourself don't care about yourself.

Damn, I just get so irritated with these kind of people. They think other people actually bother about your life when they have their own to worry about? Hmph! Of all the nerve!

A blast from the past

2007-11-17T19:57:00.000+08:00

"Time changes all things in this world".

The above statement didn't really have much of an impact on me till last Thursday's culture module. Although the module that day was about beauty, one aspect of it still stuck to my mind. That, my dear readers, is the statement which is typed above.

I was surfing through Friendster when i came across my friend's profile. As i scanned through her pictures, flashes of the past flitted through my mind and as soon as i finished with the pictures i began to wonder, where did all the time go? I feel as though it was just yesterday that I had stepped into secondary school unwillingly because I was too shy to make new friends and still felt attached to my primary school. Coming back to the present, I find myself in polytechnic now and coming to Year 2 in just a few months time. I kinda felt shortchanged of my youth because there were just too many opportunities that I had missed in my youth which could have given me more experiences in life which would in turn make mine ever more fulfilling.

Now I wonder if the friends that I made then when I was younger are still the way they used to be or the very least still remember who I am. In a person's life, there are many people who come and goes. I just hope that I would be one of those select few who remains constant in theirs. Relating back to the statement earlier, I realized that there is simply no way anyone couldn't have changed over the years. Even I have changed over the years. Experience in life is what shapes person. From a young boy who was actively involved in sports, I have come to enjoy the aesthetic aspect of life and has moved further away from athletics.

I wonder how my friends are going to be like in 10-15 years time when they're all married and with kids. Are they still going to be like how they are now or just simply different? I don't know that answer but I'm sure I'll find out soon.

2007-11-10T21:07:00.000+08:00

Doubts shroud me in darkness
Slowly groping for a way out
Trying hard to breathe
Feeling trapped between two walls

Warmth escaping from my body
Leaving me cold and shivering inside
Everybody's moving on
While I'm stuck in the past

Life slowly fades from black to white
I looked around searching for a light
My heart stopped beating
As the darkness consumes my being

At last! A poem.

2007-10-17T23:08:00.000+08:00

Distant memories flitted through my mind

Relieving nothing as time went by

Gazing at the stars up in the sky

Wishing somehow you were here by my side

Flipping through pages inside my book

Smiling quietly at the pictures we took

To live all alone is not my call

Remembering the days we spent in the hall

To know you left me here all alone

Left a deep impression within my bones

I searched endlessly through the years

All it has done is reduced me to tears

Trying my best to live up my dream

It didn’t work out so it seem

I’m still waiting, hoping to see

The day that you will finally come back to me

How was that poem? Wasn’t it simply awesome? Ha ha. I know it’s been a really, really long time since I posted one of my poems and I hope you readers out there can understand the full meaning of the poem. I know I did tell someone that this poem had no meaning behind it, but seriously, who writes a poem that doesn’t really mean a thing to him? All poems are written with a lot of thought and emotions into it. It’s like giving up a part of your soul into the literary text.

Anyway, on to other stuffs. I guess I screwed up my UT yesterday which is super sad since I know how to do it if I had more time. Like seriously, I do. I may look stupid but there’s more to me than meets the eye. Ho hum. I wore my ethnic costume to school yesterday and a lot of my friends came up to me and said I looked really good in it. Don’t know if it was sarcasm or anything but I’m just pleased at the thought of looking good in something. Ha ha. After school I had a drama meeting for pl@ytime which is going to be happening somewhere nearing the end of next month. Therefore, rehearsals were going to start like next week proper and I guess this would be the time to showcase our talents to the whole IG to show just how much we had grown as actors from the experience that we had gained from the last production. The thought of it is just exciting! However, there is a downside to it of course in the sense that I would have to stay out late just to rehearse our play/skits for pl@ytime. But no matter, the effort we put in determines the outcome of the show.

Oh yeah, I received an email regarding auditions for a teen musical. My immediate thought was to actually sign up for the auditions. After doing so I realized something very important. Can I sing well enough to beat the other applicants who are taking part in the auditions? After all, there are many people out there who are better than me. Oh well, I guess it’s better to take it as it comes. I’m doing it for the experience anyway and not just for my self-satisfaction. In any case, this is definitely one of the events this year that I am looking forward to. Yup yup, it is.

Ok, I know I promised you guys pictures from my hari raya celebrations but I guess that can wait till next time. It’s better to keep up the suspense right? Ha ha. Till next time, CIAO!!

Raya for me?!

2007-10-15T01:15:00.000+08:00

These past few days have been very busy for me lately with all the preparations for Raya and for Raya itself. I'm still amazed why I haven't fallen asleep yet when it's already 1.17am in the morning. I just got back a couple of hours ago after visiting with/my relatives for two whole days. My family started the first day by going to my paternal granddad's house in Sembawang. We were there like for a few hours but not a lot of people came. I guess they went to their other side of their family first. So around 4 or 5-ish, we started off to our maternal grandma's place. That's where the real fun begins. Why, you may ask? That's because on my father's side, almost everyone of my cousins are so much more older than us and most of them a freakishly tall. If i were to estimate their average, it would be around 1.8m tall. I'm so envious that I didn't get much of my dad's side of the genes. So anyways, there was kind of a large age gap between us so we didn't really click with each other. However, on my mum's side, my cousins are all around my age but all of them are either in primary or secondary schools so that sorta made me like the oldest there. But since I am young at heart, ehem, I can still mix around with them and not feel my age at all. Ha ha. So what we did was to actually bought a whole packet of lighters and made them explode. Ha ha. It was awesome good fun. I swear. Then I remembered one incident where I had actually thrown a lighted candle stick into one of the resident's window. We all ran cause we were afraid of what would happen next. Haha. So we actually did quite a few stupid stuffs but in the end, it was all fun and games to us.

The second day started out with me waking up early just to clean up the house. AGAIN. My maternal cousins were all going to congregate at my house before setting off to all our cousins' and relatives' house. So I had to make sure that both levels were spic and span before they arrived. When they did arrived, we stayed around a little bit to make sure that everyone that was supposed to come had already arrived before setting off for our next destination. So basically, that was the plan for today. Go to someone's house, stay there for like 30minutes to one hour before setting off for the next house. By the 7th house, everyone was tired and sleepy cause at every house, the owners had cooked and made sure that we had eaten our fill before going off again. So now, I am actually extremely bloated and feeling very sleepy. Oh what joy!

Oh yeah, this year, it seemed as though i'm getting less and less duit raya. Haha. But no matter. Hari Raya is not about money, it's about forgiven. However, there is a part of me that's complaining a bit. Haha. Since I did take some pictures, I would either edit this post or upload it by the next post. So till now, CIAO!!

Trying to find a space in your heart...

2007-10-12T10:43:00.001+08:00

In life, you will always experience highs and lows. When you're high, everything is perfect in this world and you would be happy today. However when you're low, everything is dark and and you feel as though everything in your life is going wrong and you don't have the will to live as thoughts of suicide cross your mind loads of times. That is why at this time of darkness, you should always depend on your friends and family to help you out of the darkness because they are your beacons of light who will guide your way out of your misery.

Don't bottle up everything inside cause in time, you will break down due to an overload of suppressed feeling which you have kept inside for so long. If it were to be even worse, you might even be institutionalized.

Learn to trust your friends enough to tell them your problems. We may not be around you 24/7 but we can still do our best to help you no matter the circumstances. I know I would cause if it's you, I would do anything. Seriously girl, anything.

Watching you fly away...

2007-10-11T12:07:00.000+08:00

I miss her much. It's been three days and I really miss having her by my side and hearing her sweet voice. Ahh, can't believe I'm turning into such a wuss. Come one Yan, pull yourselves together. She's just a girl. She shouldn't have that much impact in my life, but somehow she did.

Anyway, been awhile since I updated cause I have been very busy with Raya preparations or should I say the whole family. Ha ha. I don't think I'll be coming to school tomorrow even though it will be a half day since there are lots to do at home. Ho hum. I'm thinking that this Raya I won't be getting as much money as I used to cause now I'm slightly older. However, that doesn't really bother me since I'm not putting much hope on the money part. All I'm concerned with is meeting my relatives whom I seldom meet.

I am so looking forward to "Jalan Raya" with my mates cause it's been ever soo long since I last saw them. In a way, I'm kind of grateful for Hari Raya cause this is like the only time of the year that I can see them and catch up with each other.

I'm going to end this post with a shout out to all my fans who have been loyal to my blog's irregular updates and please remain loyal because there's more to come if you stick around.

Ciao ya'll!!!

Weird? I think so too...

2007-10-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

I keep getting weird dreams and strangely enough, almost all of them has come true. I keep predicting a lot of weird stuffs as well these past few days and frankly, it's starting to scare me a bit. I know most of the time it would be considered kinda cool but when it starts to become too much too handle, it just gets freaky. I never used to have these 'abilities' and i think they started to manifest around a few years ago. But they weren't so strong then as compared to now. I know most of you by now would be thinking that I am lying and I am just typing this out to gain some attention, but sometimes you cannot just judge me without knowing what I am. To make matters worse, I think that my 'abilities' are getting stronger. I'm just afraid it would get out of my area of control. The thought of it just gets me all tingly inside and not in the good way.

Anyway, let's drop that topic and on to a new one so that you people out there would get too engrossed in my problems. So today was kinda ok. I went to my granny's house at around 6-ish to break fast there and at the same time help out by painting the house. However, the bad thing was that the part that I was supposed to paint was the toilet! Imagine that. So poor me had to toil while the rest of the family was enjoying the movie on television. Ha ha. Looking back, I guess it was kind of fun to paint and i managed to get a good deal of paint on my clothes and body. Ho hum. The result of that would of course be me getting a whole lot tired.

Anyway, an announcement to all ex-PRPS graduating batch of 2002.
Jalan raya for this year will be held on two dates. On the 20th and 27th of October 2007. Please be dressed in your ethnic, traditional costumes so as to liven up the festive occasion. Further details shall be issued out on Friendster's bulletin board. Do take a look for more details and such.

That shall be all for today. I would like to post up more pictures but I'm just too tired to do so. So, ciao people!

Head hurts, World darkening

2007-10-04T20:27:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's been wrong with me today. My head hurts for some reason and it's not the dull kind of headache but instead a sharp stabbing pain on the left side of my head. I'm just afraid that it might be something more serious than it already is. Anyway, today was not really uneventful because I wasn't feeling all that well today. Gareth called me during first breakout and asked me if I was free to host an event for tomorrow. My immediate reaction was "eh, what?". I didn't really expect any events around this time of the year cause nothing exciting really happens. So i agreed to it and met the adviser at the library during second breakout. All went well during the briefing and I guess I got the hosting job which is tomorrow and also on the third Friday of the month. So tonight after doing my RJ, I'll probably do a little bit more research for my event tomorrow. I think I'll probably get sick just a few days before Raya. Don't know why, but I just feel like I will.

Anyways, I'm gonna keep to my promise in the previous and post up a few more pictures from last Saturday's post production photo taking frenzy.

One of the funniest actress on stage, NELLY!

Me and the Ex-Minah of Drama. Hahaha.

Yeah yeah guys, stop drooling ya'll.

The 'Diva' and the 'Casanova'.

Ok, that's all the photos for today. There'll be more in the posts to come. So keep coming back to my blog aites? Ciao people.

A fun night out.

2007-10-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

Today shall mark the day in history where I, Yan, shall post up pictures. Haha. Anyway, the pictures were from our post production photo taking frenzy so prepare to be amazed! Haha. Anyway, enjoy the pictures...

Sharp and smart is how I should look like.

Yeah, I know I'm a lucky guy. Haha.

The future Legion of Men, plus one girl. Haha.

I swear we don't look this gay all the time. It must have been the make up.

The expression on my face says it all. Too much hugging for one night I think. Haha.

All right people. That should be enough for today. I'll post more on the posts to come so make sure you stay tuned to my blog ok?

Anyway, today's outing with the drama peeps to break fast together was awesome. We went to Changi Airport and ate at Popeye's. Been a while since I broke fast together with all my friends. a lot of noise were made when we were eating and I swore I heard people sighing with relief once we got out of the place. Hahaha. Oh well, it's there loss anyway cause we were sorta like their only source of entertainment. Anyway, now I'm all sleepy and I still haven't done my RJ yet. Better get cracking. Ciao ya'll.

Read and think over it

2007-10-02T10:43:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things that girls just don’t understand. Even if you can’t go out, we can still see each other in school. In a way, that could be just as good as going out. Furthermore, it really doesn’t matter if you can’t go out as much as other girls cause what matters in the end is the feelings that you have inside for the one that you love.

What I don’t understand is why you distrust guys so much? Not all guys are like that. Perhaps you have had a bad experience with guys but that doesn’t mean that you should just lump us all together in one group and label us as distrustful and deceiving and what not. There are a lot of good guys out there and you should really learn to open up to them. I’m not forcing you to do anything. All I’m saying is just give it a try because you may never know the outcome. Take a leap of faith. After all, it is within your power to decide what you want for yourself.

Life is not all that bad if you take a step back and look at it. So throw away all your negativity because there’s just too much for you to live for and it would be a waste to just throw it all away. You never know just when you would leave this world and so, at times like this, you should just smile and take a step forward instead of retreating back to your safety/comfort zone.

Anyway, I really don’t want to sound pushy cause ultimately, it’s your choice. All I’m hoping is that you would think this over really carefully. Try not to think about hurting other people’s feeling because that person has already made up his mind to put his heart at stake for something even greater than his feelings. All he is waiting for is your decision. The question now is, are you willing to take a risk the way he is?

2007-10-01T00:52:00.000+08:00

After 3 months of work, the production is finally done and over with. I must admit that the production wasn't that easy to deal with. Blood, sweat and tears were shed just to wrap up this production. Now, I'm stuck with the post production blues cause I find my schedule free. It's been both liberating and at the same time kinda troubling. Troubling in the sense that I now have nothing to do. Ho hum.

Anyway, went to Geylang Serai just now to buy me some clothes for raya. Bumped into an old friend of mine. I think her name was Natasha. It's been so long since I met her. Anyhoo, I am now a proud owner of an awesome suit. What colour and design I shall not say. You'll find that out soon enough. I think I'm going to be relatively busy this coming two weeks to prepare myself and the house for Raya. Lots of cleaning and rearranging needs to be done in a short span of two weeks. It's not impossible cause it has been done before.

As for my plans for Raya, I guess I'll be the one to plan it all again for the benefit of my friends. Been doing it for like years so I guess another year isn't really that much of a big deal anyway.

Oh yeah, since I got nothing else to write for now, I guess I'll end it off with an impromptu passage.

"The moonlight gently kisses your face
As the breeze gently wafts through your hair
You shivered slightly as someone called out your name
Recognition spread to your face, as the one you had been waiting for
Finally appeared across your very eyes"

2007-09-23T16:45:00.000+08:00

Have you ever imagined how life would be like for you 5 or maybe 10 years down the road? Who you would be and what you would become? I know this topic is kinda random but it just suddenly came to me that a lot of our future are uncertain. No matter how much we plan our future nicely out for ourselves, nothing ever becomes certain in this day and age. Has anything ever gone according to plan? For me, life hasn't always been like how I planned it to be. Take for example my educational institutes that I have been and am currently in. I never intended to come to these schools but yet I ended up in them. However, things to do come out for the better and I got to meet with people with whom I would never have met should I have gone to other schools which to me is considered as a blessing.

Anyway, back to the real world. The past week has been busy so far with school, rehearsals and what not. I feel kinda bad for this as I have been spending less time with my family. The play is in 1 weeks time and we're all in the final brushing up stages of the whole production. All that's left is the bumping in which will commence next week or tomorrow to be exact. Met and made quite a few new friends in my new class. The people in the class didn't really seem so bad once I got to know them a little better.

An announcement to all those people reading my blog: BUY TICKETS FOR THE UPCOMING DRAMA PRODUCTION BY DRAMA.REPUBLIC ENTITLED "REALITY CRASHES IN!". TICKETS ARE SOLD AT $15 PER PERSON. GET THEM FAST BEFORE THEY'RE SOLD OUT! PRODUCTION SHALL BE HELD AT REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC'S TRCC. CONTACT YAN @ 96346025 FOR MORE TICKETING DETAILS.

Now that that is done, I hope you guys would really come down and support me and my debut in Republic Poly first major production this year. Err yeah, that's all for today. Ciao people!

Empty thoughts of an average guy...

2007-09-15T04:41:00.000+08:00

Why it is that all the girls that I have fallen in love so far be attached to some other guy? Am I really that unlucky to be in this situation? It’s not that I wanted this to happen but circumstances just made it that way. Should I just push away this feeling and regret not knowing what would happen if I didn’t? I don’t want to be known as a home-wrecker but at the same time, how can I just deny this feeling from this heart of mine? Maybe I’m just thinking too much. Maybe it’s just an infatuation being thought over too much. Yeah, I guess that’s the reason I suppose. But am I going to be okay and calmly tell myself that this is for the best and it was just wishful thinking on my part? That I don’t really deserve to have someone special since I broke so many hearts in my foolish past escapades? I don’t really believe in karma but somehow it’s starting to make sense to me. What goes around comes around. Kindness begets kindness. Meanness begets meanness. I guess that’s how the whole revolves, huh? It’s been years since I was ever involved in a relationship. Is it desperation that spurs on this foolish thinking of mine? Or is it simply because I’m a guy who falls in love easily? The results of both outcomes would definitely be simple in the sense that I don’t really deserve anyone in any way. Not while I still have this foolish mindset stuck in my head. Maybe it’s time for a fresh start, for a new and improved me. I just hope that that time will come soon, before it’s too late to make any changes. One of the principles that I believe in is that “life is like love, grab hold of it and never let go”. It’s like saying life is too short to just waste it away doing nothing for yourself so that when you’re old and reminisce, there wouldn’t be any point in your life that you would stop and say “I should have done something when I had the chance”. Cause by then, it would just be too late.

I know many of you who would be reading this post would say that I am stupid for thinking this way when I obviously have much to live for. In response however, life is fraught with unexpected certainties and you can never know when you would be able to see the sun shining again.

Just some routine stuff... Read if you want to...

2007-09-13T01:22:00.001+08:00

Arghh!! My GPA for Sem 2 is soo going to drop like hell. I just checked my class roster and was disappointed like hell. Not one pretty girl in my class at all. I finally thought that maybe this semester luck would be on my side but shit happens. How can I get the motivation to do well in class? This is saddening. Anyways, on to lighter stuff. The fasting month is starting today!! Yay!! Can't wait to fast as this usually means that I'll be losing weight. I just hope I won't put back on the weight when it's over cause then it would just be too depressing.

Today we had rehearsals again. It was kinda boring for some of us as we weren't included in the scene so we spent like about an hour doing nothing. However, we did manage to fully finish the blocking for the whole scene which is of course an accomplishment in itself since we had done major changes to the script. Everyone felt relieved when the blocking was finally done because just a week ago some of us were already talking about pulling the plug on this production because there were too many last minute changes and there's too little time to finish up. Thankfully, by the grace of GOD, we managed to finish up although we do have little bits of the production which needs a little tweaking. Therefore, those people who are reading this post should definitely buy tickets cause I assure you this is one production not to be missed.

Anyway, I should really be getting to sleep. I need to wake up real early for my early morning breakfast which is around 4am in the morning. So yeah, stay tuned for more updates aye?

Something scary that's been bugging me

2007-09-08T00:06:00.000+08:00

Recently, I have been involved in a production concerning life and death. The thing is, the matter death keep nagging at my mind for some reason. It's like, what will happen when I die? Will I still be able to see the world or will it just suddenly black out into an eerie silence? Will I still be conscious when my spirit is yanked out from my body? Will the after life be something out of a movie say ,Matrix, for an example? Am I going to be reborn as another person or forever writhe in agony in my grave in atonement for all my sins? There's a lot of questions regarding death and so few answers. I don't know why I'm thinking about all this when I have much to live for but you just never know when death will come for you. Till then, all I can do is wait for an answer.

2007-09-03T22:57:00.000+08:00

It's been a really long while since I last blogged. I just didn't felt like logging in to blogger cause it was too troublesome. But now, I dragged myself to blog cause finally I had some motivation to do so. The source of my motivation is in my tag board. So those interested can go and read it AFTER reading this post. Anyway, these past few weeks have been kind of hellish cause rehearsals are becoming more intense and it doesn't help when there's a lot of major changes to the whole script when the play is less than 3 weeks away. So everyone is trying hard to tie everything together and it really doesn't help when some of the cast are perpetually absent from rehearsals. Since I'm ranting about the play, I might as well give some publicity to it.

The play is titled "Reality Crashes In!". It will be playing in Republic Polytechnic Theater Center on the 29th of September 2007. Tickets would be on sale at $15 per person. HOWEVER, if you order your tickets through me, you can get the tickets at a discounted price which is $12. So PLEASE support me and buy the tickets. It would be most appreciated.

On to other stuffs then. Holidays have started about a week ago but it didn't really feel like the holidays cause of all the rehearsals that we have. Plus I have this workshop tomorrow and I don't really feel like going cause I think it's a drag but since it was already paid for then I have no choice do I? I don't really like to waste money.

I really dread what my first day of school in Semester 2 going to be like because it feels weird to be suddenly separated from a class which you have bonded for roughly 16 weeks. It's going to be hard for me since I'm not really that sociable of a person. I know that most of you who know me might contest and say it's not true but that's who I am when I'm in a new surrounding. But I would steadily open up to new changes. Since this is something like a school tradition, us students can't do nothing much about it except to go with the flow. We can't really do a petition for it since the previous batches of students before had already done so and it failed. So no point in trying. It's not like I'm not open to changes anyway. I just need time to adjust.

Ooh, this reminds me of something. People would often say that "Laughter is the best medicine". I would say otherwise. The best medicine in life would be time itself. Cause no matter how much you laugh there's still a part of you which still remember the pain. But time is a different issue. Time would heal all wounds no matter how deep it is. As you grow older, you would just tend to let go and not keep holding on to it. That's why "time" is the best medicine.

I think i wrote enough for today's blog so I'm just going to end it off with a simple saying.

Women are the only creatures
Who can induce happiness and sadness
In the hearts of men

2007-08-19T20:52:00.000+08:00

I never knew how easy it was to just hate a person even though you had spent a considerable amount of time trying to win her heart. Emotions are a strange thing. One moment you like something, the next would be completely opposite what you felt before. It's really peculiar how this could influence your perception on issues. Anyway, I just regretted wasting time on a girl who in the end just doesn't seem to be worth the effort. It just bugs me how I would even feel a thing for her in the first place anyway. Now, I just want to have as little contact with her as possible. If necessary, none at all. Cause she wasn't the girl I thought she would be. It really is disappointing when you find out that all this while, your efforts are wasted. Plus, it irks me how she is so insensitive and tactless which lead me to believe that the only person she cared about is the person staring at her back in the mirror.

On to other things, I had suddenly thought about my ex-girlfriend while trying to compose a song but in the end came up with a poem instead. So here it is:

You can't even begin to understand
The pain I felt when we're apart
You left me alone for another man
And now you're saying that I have no heart

All these rumors and all these lies
Were spread around like an awful surprise
I tried to dispel them with all my might
It was of no use no matter how hard I tried

Forgetting you was hard to do
When memories of you kept filtering through
Now I'm all alone, hurt and depressed
Smiling at the good times, crying at the rest

And I'm wishing, wishing for you to stay
Always hoping for it night and day
As the clouds rolled by in the sky
You know I'll be here through the night

Comments on this poem is of course welcome but I would highly appreciate it if you gave CONSTRUCTIVE comments.

So yeah, I know th poem is kind of sappy and all but what I typed above came straight from my heart and I hope that she reads it and know that I'll always be here with open arms and accept her with all my heart. No matter all the pain and hurt she has caused me. I'm willing to take a chance and be with her again.

2007-08-14T00:57:00.001+08:00

Ok officially today, my life has hit all time low
I told her how i felt and received a big blow in the end
how am i supposed to be happy now
As you walked out on me
And made me feel all alone and hurt
I know it was kind of impossible between you and me
but i had to try, to test out my luck
i guess it just wasn't meant to be then...
Heartbroken and lonely
Is what i feel right now...

2007-08-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

I feel like I don't have much time left

Everything seemed so distant to me now

Life is like a blur and everything in it are just faded memories
I just wish I could tell her now, tell her how I really feel
But I don't want to end up hurt and all alone
But is it really alright to leave everything just like that
Untouched and unanswered till it's forgotten
I just don't know anymore

Will the sun ever shine for the both of us
Bathing us in its warmth and light
Reassuring us that everything is going to be alright
You'll forever be in my heart that's for sure
Even if we separate and lead different lives
Deep inside my soul, forever shall my love be ablaze
When destiny calls me, I must be strong
Strong enough to leave you and everyone that I hold dear
I'm sorry that I couldn't be there when you needed me the most
So trust me when I say I'll watch over you when I'm gone
Just look at the night sky and you'll see me there
Twinkling and smiling softly at you
As the breeze lightly caresses your skin

Till death do us part so they say
But our parting shall have its silver lining
As I await your arrival at heaven's gate

2007-08-09T22:17:00.000+08:00

I know it's been a very long time since I posted. Three weeks to be exact. It's just that nowadays, I just don't see the point of writing out my feelings on a blog. So what if I typed and vented out my frustrations on this blog? It wouldn't do me any good. Cause life's too fucked up for anyone to take any notice. For anyone to care. Because in this world, it's a dog-eat-dog kind of situation. Who would care if you were down in the dumps and feeling depressed about life? No one. In fact, the most they would do is just look you over and probably mutter "oh, you poor thing". That's about it. No way in hell would they ever lift a hand to help you. Even if they did, they probably have an ulterior motive cause people are two-faced bastards. On the surface they might seem caring, but in their mind they're probably wondering when you would slip up so that they can laugh whole-heartedly at your misfortune. I know there may be some of you out who might think that you're not at all like that. But seriously, who are you trying to kid? This is the very essence of human nature. This is why humans are at the top of the food chain. It's not because of our ability to think or because of our high technology, it's because we just don't give a shit about people other than ourselves.

We don't make allowances for other people. But we EXPECT others to make allowances for us. Is that fair? Or does it just come natural to humans? It's like when you're hungry and expecting people to give food. But when it's the other way around, there's no way in hell you would give up the food you have meticulously prepared.

In short, I'm just updating you guys on what happened this week in a very figurative sense. See if you guys can figure it out. I don't want to rant anymore about this cause it would be very long and I know you people won't even other to read half of it anyway. So yeah, have fun reading.

2007-07-13T02:17:00.000+08:00

I wish things were as simple as they were before. There's just a lot of things in my mind and feelings in my heart that I have to sort out. I just don't know what to do anymore. Life to me doesn't seem to be as wonderful as before. There's just a lot of complexities in my life. I know everyone go through it but to me, it just feels like I have hit an all time low in my life. I'm having a lot insecurities, a lot of questions that need to be answered. But the thing is, I'm scared of having them answered. I'm scared of finding out the truth. I'm scared of having things be much more complicated than before. I don't want to live this way. Living with sad and frustrated emotions swirling in my heart and thoughts.

If only she could understand my feelings then things would definitely look rosier for me. But i know that that is impossible cause in life, you can't have what you wish for. Sometimes I feel as though my soul is detached from my body and I am observing myself going through life from a distance. Chuckling at all the stupid mistakes I made in life. My soul feels like it's fading away from existence. Fading from the worldly constraints that is my body. I just don't know what to do anymore. Existence doesn't live up to its hype anymore. Everything should just fade away...

2007-07-05T10:58:00.000+08:00

In this world, I guess you can't really trust anyone. Cause people who trust, are people who are waiting to get betrayed. Life I guess is teaching you to be independent, to reach the top through your own means without trusting or depending on someone else. Cause if you trust someone, that someone is gonna make a complete fool out of you. Even if there are a lot of people watching, he wouldn't care cause all he want is for him to be the one successful, not anybody else. It may seem selfish but that's how the world is. It is after all a dog-eat-dog world where manipulation runs free and wild. That is why now, I will no longer trust anyone. No matter if it's someone close to me. Cause trusting people is stupid and is the biggest mistake anyone can make. I don't know why I realized this only now since it is already an UNWRITTEN rule of society.

You can never be too careless in this world cause next thing you know, you'll end up at the bottom of the chain where no one will even take notice of you. That's how harsh life can be, I mean, that's how harsh HUMANS can be. Cause truthfully, humans are pathetic creatures. We are the only species of animals that actually kills off our own kind. We are the only species that discriminate against each other. You don't see lions discriminating each other. The only difference between us and other animals is that we are sentient. But is being a sentient being make us superior than other animal? So superior that we can lock these animals up and put them in an enclosure for our own enjoyment? If we're supposed to be clever, why are so stupid until we wage wars on ourselves, killing thousands of innocence needlessly? We, as a whole population, should stop all this mindless killings. It doesn't matter if you're wrong and he's right, just stop killing. Cause when you two fight, others suffer.

2007-06-24T15:52:00.000+08:00

Lots of things happened this past week. I got through to the main cast during the auditions for the September drama production so I will be most likely busy from now till September. Besides that, I finally started a band and I am definitely looking forward to them learning all my songs so that we can record it for the band album. Oh yeah, speaking of songs, here's a peek at another one of songs.

The smile on your face reveals much emotion
If only you knew how much is my devotion
Love is not deaf, it is not blind
You know it's love when you feel it's time

Beautiful memories
Beautiful memories
You just know what to say to me
Those times that we had and moments we shared
Beautiful memories
Beautiful memories
Everything is not how it used to be
I wish you'd see the pain in me

Now you're gone, went far away
Wishing so much for yesterday
All is not lost, nothing is in vain
There's still time to heal this pain

Constructive comments is very much appreciated. Lately, my muse seems to have deserted me since I had difficulty in composing new songs. Man, I just can't seem to find any inspiration to write these songs. I wish there's something I could do to solve this problem.

Oh yeah, Munira's back!! Welcome back!! It's about time you returned. Your short visit earlier this year wasn't enough, I hope you're here for good. No matter how you're grades may be.

Just a quote to end of this entry:
"Who said MARRIAGE was ever easy? You need trust and effort to keep it going."

2007-06-19T02:24:00.000+08:00

Love. The only word that can bring us both happiness and sadness. Love is such a generic term and is very subjective. To some, love is just a game played between two people. To others, love means everything to them and they will do anything they can to hold on to it and protect it with all their heart and soul. How far would someone go for love? I'm sure you have heard of phrases like "climb the highest mountain", "swim the deepest ocean" or " go through hell and back" just to express their love. But in truth, have you ever seen or heard anyone going through the tribulations mentioned? As for me, not once have I heard of anyone doing the said things. I'm not saying that I disapprove of love, but don't you think they way people express their love is a tad too exaggerated? I mean, if they really meant it, there would be cases of people actually doing them.

There's something that's been bothering me for a while now. Why is the average age of couples getting together getting lower and lower? Like for instance, I once saw this primary school girl out with her "boyfriend". Isn't it a bit too young for them to be in relationships? They're not even matured enough to support themselves financially, so why the heck are they getting into relationships? For the thrill of it? To have a taste of being in a relationship? I think maybe that's why the rate of under-aged sex/teen pregnancy has risen over the past few years. It's like the sooner you get in a relationship, the sooner you'll most likely want to experience the "physical" aspect of the relationship. Oh yeah, not to mention all those so-called playboys and playgirls. Just what is up with that? Is it like a growing trend? I do have to admit that I was one of them but I realized early on that what I did was wrong and since then I have never done it anymore. But the point I'm trying to drive at is, why are you in a relationship with your so-called special someone if you weren't planning to marry him/her? I would be hearing things like "I'll be with you forever" or "You're the only one for me" but the next thing you'll hear is that they've already broken up cause of something stupid, probably.

So, if you're really think that you're in love, make sure she/he is the one you would bring home to show your parents and intend to marry. This reminds me of something. There are couples who hide their relationship from their friends cause they're afraid of being teased or something along that line. Now what's up with that? If you're in a relationship, why are you so scared of other people finding out about it? It's totally understandable if you're a celebrity but as a normal citizen, what the bleh? Some people just don't get it, like those young ones who are in relationships, as to the meaning of being in a relationship which is truly disappointing cause nowadays I see a lot of these youngsters getting into one. If you're not mature enough to handle one, then don't be in one. Simple as that.

Before I end this post, I'll leave you guys with a spot(Something to think about in case you guys don't know what I meant). What's the point of being in a relationship when you know that there's a high possibility for you to get your heart broken?

2007-06-11T00:47:00.000+08:00

Everything used to be so simple when you were younger. Why is it that life becomes much more complicated as you grow older? Is it cause of the amounting responsibility that you have to take or is it cause our perception of the world has changed through the use of education? Are we supposed to be empowered now that most of us are educated? Empowered enough to solve all of life's problem? The answer is no. In fact, I think that education really screwed us all up. Screwed us in the sense that we will never look at the world again like how we did 5 or 6 years ago or even when we were much younger than that. Cause education teaches you to look into a problem at more than one angle so that it would be easier to solve it. But, does this actually help? Usually, when we look at another angle, we may discover another problem which was non-existent to us before. Thus, the increase in our problems. Do we really need more problems in this already complicated world? Are we really so arrogant to think that we are clever enough or brilliant enough, to solve all of life's riddle? Who are we to be the judge of that? We are just humans. We may be at the top of the food chain, but what good does it do for us or should I say to the world? Our world is dying, pollution is rampant and animals are getting to be extinct. If that's the positive side of us being at the top of the food chain, then soon enough, Earth would be dead and just barren of life.

Anyway, that's not the point I'm trying to bring across. The point is " Don't make your life complicated as it already seems futile cause you're always being complicated.